I have to confess to being a Bravo TV addict. More than that, I am a reality TV addict. Deadliest Catch, Dual Survival, Real Housewives of (insert your city here), unless my Bruins are on I can usually be caught watching other people’s lives.
Abby, thanks to her aunt, loves DIY shows. I actually had to ask her what that was, she said DO IT YOURSELF (you moron). She didn’t call me a moron, but it was implicit in the eye roll. She came home one day from her aunt’s and told me about a new show she loved. Something about people being in rehab.
I called her aunt for clarification. Apparently it is a HGTV show called Rehab Addict. They fix other people’s houses. Who knew rehab was a term for something other than a Dr. Drew show? See you learn something new every day.
If Abby made a reality show based on my life it would be titled: How to get your Elf’s magic back. The series would arc over six episodes, timed just for the holiday season.
Episode 1. A somewhat cute 5th grader surprises her mom on the way to the bus stop and ask if she moves your ELF. She is less cute when she gets out of the car.
Episode 2. After having her hopes dashed, she leaves the car in hysterics and gets on the school bus. The half-hour episode shows the girl child telling her friend on what a terrible mother she has and that the mother messed up her Elf’s magic. This is in direct rebellion of her mother saying HOLY CRAP DO NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS AT SCHOOL.
Episode 3. The girl child comes home from school and do not mention the Elf until later that night as she is walking into CCD. The girls child will turn to her mom just before the door closes, and say, “I talked to C. She told me there is no way her Papa could move her Elf. So her Elf is going to talk to Santa tonight and ask him to give my Elf some magic”. The mother calls the father and alerts him to what has transpired while he as been away on his trip. The father reminds the mother he warned her 5 years ago that Elf would be nothing but trouble.
Episode 4. The girl child walk out of CCD, get in the mom’s car and and states emphatically: “I’ve been thinking about my Elf and he must have magic. Otherwise Santa wouldn’t have given me presents every year. Max told him I was a good girl.”
Episode 5. Later that evening, on the child’s way to bed she will stop by the Elf and say: “I’m sorry my mom messed up your magic. I hope Santa brings you some.”
At this point in Episode 5 the mom will pour a rather large glass of wine. Once the
bottle glass of a chilled Pinot Grigio is finished the mom will rush around the house moving the Elf (after stomping on it a few times) and putting up Christmas lights in the bathroom to prove that Santa gave the Elf back it’s magic. However since the mom is no DIY-er she worries that the gig will be up again.
The series finale, Episode 6: Girl child wakes up and has amnesia of the past 24 hours of hell she put the mother through.
All is well, the child now believes again and writes the damn Elf a note asking why he didn’t bring her fairy Periwinkle with him to hang the lights!
This is how I finished the sentence, “If they made a reality show about my life….”