Please note: this post is meant to be humorous and in no way is meant to be a statement in regards to my role on the School Committee. Read with caution and a sense of humor.

Dear School,

I am looking over the back to school list and well I do not want to sound miserly, but what the hell is up with needing a pairs of scissors every year? And not just any scissors but Fiskar scissors! By my calculations I have sent in six pairs of scissors. When I do the math: 18 children in each class equals 108 pairs of scissors. Every freaking year.

Where did they all go? Are they with the missing sock from my dryer?

Then there are the amount of pencils needed. I get it, you need pencils, tissues (Kleenex–not store brand), disinfecting wipes (not Clorox), crayons & markers (Crayola brand). It’s the amount of product you request that I wonder where are you putting it all? Do you have some huge storage lockers we don’t know about? For example (class size/number are my estimate):

48 pencils x 18 children x 10 classrooms = 8640 pencils
3 rolls of paper towels (for art?) x 18 children x 10 classrooms = 540 paper towels
1 hand sanitizer x 18 children x 10 classrooms = 180 bottles
2 boxes of Kleenex (not cheap store brand) x 18 children x 10 classrooms= 360 boxes of Kleenex

Where are you putting it all? Would it not make more sense to have one child each week bring in a box of Kleenex? How much could you possibly go through in a week? If there are 39 weeks of school that is an average of 9 boxes of Kleenex a week. Sadly I looked up the figure and there are 80-100 tissues in a box of Kleenex (you can Google anything!). That is 720 tissues in a week. Teach my child how to use a tissue more than one blow at a time.

And pencils? That is a staggering 221 pencils…PER WEEK. The students know that although there parents send them in sharpened you can resharpen them and reuse them, right?

Please tell my my child knows this fact. Otherwise I see another talk in her future when she explains to her father why she used 221 pencils in the first week of school.

It’s having to send in paper towels for art class. Why isn’t the art teacher allowed to have paper towels? Is he not to be trusted with the Brawny man?

I want to help the school system. I promise I do not mind sending in our own paper, notebooks and if we have to send in a pair of scissors every year so be it (though I still want to know where they go. It’s keeping me up at night).  It’s the 360 boxes of Kleenex and 180 packages of disinfecting wipes (not Clorox–who did that brand piss off?) that must take up a lot of room in a classroom. I am sure the teachers would rather use their space for books and you know, learning materials rather than stockpiling for the invasion of the sneeze.

And if you must send home a list of needed items, don’t be picky. If I don’t buy Kleenex for my house I’m probably going to supply the classroom with whatever is on sale.

One last question. Is there enough room on the school bus for the children, their backpacks and supplies? If not I will start a neighborhood fundraiser for a UHaul.

Sincerely,
A mom who is up at night wondering where all the scissors went.

For anyone not paying attention: this post is meant to be humorous and in no way is meant to be a statement in regards to my role on the School Committee. I love our teachers and will gladly supply what they need.  I would just rather send in a $25 gift card to Staples then shop.