books | (Un)Diagnosed and still okay

I’m not sure if this happens with sons, but when you have a teenage girl at one point in their life you will hear the dreaded phrase “I hate you”.

What I never expected with Bridget was to hear those words. First, because I truly don’t think that she understands hates. Second, she cannot articulate the most basic emotions that she feels.

Yet it hurts

Today was a great day, until it wasn’t

All she wanted for dinner was beans, (FYI B&M Black Beans) until they were cooked and then were too “cold” except they were actually too hot. That turned into her hitting her head on any hard surface (including my shoulder) and words I did not know she knew

And then I thought about my oldest. How there were moments during her teen years age years where I totally loved her but at times did not love her.

And I am sure there were times my eldest loved me but thought I was the stupidest person on earth.

This year has been difficult for Bridget, and us as parents. There is a medication regimen that we are terrified she will not adhere to if it is not

us administering. While we have never had a routine, full disclosure, as awesome as her dad is, if I am not here at night she sobs for hours until I tuck her in.

Quite frankly, we are balancing not creating behaviors with creating an environment where Bridget thrives.

It is a delicate balance. Catatonia continues to keep us humble at the same time it keeps us alert.

To the friends that have offered us respite, know it is a Bridget issue and not a you issue.

We, as a family are doing the best we can

At the moment she is doing incredibly well at school and saving her meltdowns for me, her safe plan to land

And we are okay with that, because we know that this is hard….but not as hard as waiting for her to roll over

Because last week instead of being on her IPad she drew circles and was happy

and I am balancing let her be happy in her world while figuring out how to keep her in mine

So when she says I hate you, I hope she feels the love I feel for her

This has been a better week than most. Maybe because I had a long weekend away that was not only made my work week shorter but allowed me to step away from the WIFI and cell phone. And there are at least 10 other things that I am thankful for this week:

Laughing at a picnic table, in 40-degree weather, declaring that guys don’t want to f*ck skunks (if you know you know) among other discussion absurdities at almost 1am. And not apologizing to our other camper friends for keeping them up with our giggles. Instead saying; you should have joined us if you were awake 🙂
Enjoying a bottle of wine (each) in a friend’s camper as we remembered friends lost too soon and deciding that if we were just left in charge of the world, life would be perfect.
That last night after having to leave a retirement party 4.2 minutes after I got there because Bridget was triggered by some unknown something, today I spent almost 3 hours at a Dunkin’ with her as I caught up with another non-typical mom. We laughed; we cried and created a stronger bond with an ally in this unexpected and unasked for life.
That I have a boss that not only encouraged me to take the extra-long weekend, even though I’ve had so many days off this year because in his words: Those were for medical appointments, this is for you.
That a friend called me out for “losing hope” and reminded me that I am not losing hope but reimaging Bridget’s future.
That I spent 2 hours talking on the phone with my PACS1 friend from Australia. What was supposed to be a quick chat turned into a really informative conversation and an agreement that we cannot let another year go by without another one.
That when I text a friend that I haven’t corresponded with in ages asking if she was up for a bit of “snark”, she not only said “hell yes” but then texted me throughout the night as we caught up on one another’s lives.
That #6 & #7 reminded me that I have not done a great job of keeping informed about what has been going on in my friends lives. That this reminded me that I cannot self-isolate but be there for others. And more importantly, that even though times goes by too quickly that does not mean too much time has gone by to reach out to what could be a lost friendship, and instead recenter myself on why these connections are not just a band aid but a vital part of my life.
That Bridget’s latest medication regimen seems to be working. She is having more laughter and less tears in her day. Yes, she is stimming all the time, and we are not back to baseline (yet) but my girls is slowly coming back to me.
That while I mourn the loss of summer, I am so enjoying moments like this.