That freaking Elf showed up again right on schedule. Abby was so excited to find him, it was very sweet. Even if I had to write a note back to her at midnight. Until day 2.

As we were driving to the bus stop my world changed.

Abby: Mom how long has Max (the freaking Elf) been visiting me?
Me: I have no idea, it seems like forever.
Abby: Mom, do you remember last year when I noticed the made in China sign? And then we went to the Snow Goose and I saw all the Elf boxes?
Me: Um, yes.
Abby: Then this year I saw all the Elf’s at Toys R Us and today I noticed it was your handwriting on the Max’s note to me.
Me: Silence
Abby (Looking accusatory into the rear view mirror): Have you been LYING to me all these years?

I almost drove off the road. First, this is so freaking unfair for her spring this on me when I’ve had 4 hours sleep, PTA burnout and a million other things that I have battle. Sadly I was not quick on my feet and was unable to come up with anything spur of the moment.

Me: Do you think the bus driver will be late again? Oh, don’t forget to grab your hat.
Abby (Bursting into tears): I think you have been tricking me for five years.
Me: Abby, what do you believe? Do you believe I have been tricking you?
Abby: You won’t answer my question and you keep changing the subject. Just answer me: Have you been tricking me all this time?

Me: Well… I wouldn’t say that.
Abby (channeling a Few Good Men): I want the truth! I know your handwriting.
Me: Well, that is really your fault. If you hadn’t written him and demanded he write back I wouldn’t have had to make up the note.
Abby: So it’s my fault that you were tricking me?
Me: I wouldn’t say I was tricking you, just playing a cool game of hide and seek.

Abby (hysterically): I DIDN’T KNOW WE WERE PLAYING!
Me: (defensively) I think you are being ungrateful. Do you know how difficult this has been for me? Do you know how many nights I woke up at 3 FREAKING AM and remembered that I hadn’t moved him yet? Then I would find a note and have to respond!

Abby: You are saying this is MY fault! Why did you even get me an Elf?
Me: (still kind of defensively) Well, you went to first grade and came home all upset that you were the ONLY child in the class without an Elf. I didn’t want you to feel left out.
Abby: Well, why didn’t you just tell me you bought him?
Me: Um….cause I didn’t want you to spoil it for the other kids. You just know you would have gone into class and told everyone that their parents bought their Elf.

HOLY CRAP YOU CANNOT GET ON THE BUS AND TELL ANYONE!!!!

Abby: Why not, shouldn’t kids know that their parents are lying to them? You told me that we should never, ever, ever lie. That if we tell the truth we won’t get into trouble. Now you are telling me that it is okay to lie?

Great, now my 5th grader is going to be the one that spoils Christmas for every kid on bus 5. I’m going to get a call from some kindergarten mother saying how horrible my daughter is for not lying but destroying her little Sally’s magical Christmas. I’ll probably get kicked off the PTA. Wait a second….No, I cannot let her do that to some little kid.

Me: Abby, promise me, you will not say anything to ANYONE not even your BFF about your Elf. Please, Abby, do not tell anyone that their parents are moving their Elf. Don’t ruin the magic for them.

Abby: BUS! (runs to get the bus)

I sit in the car and am kind of thankful she didn’t ask about Santa. Was she just not ready to ask or had she not made the leap? I am wondering what I am going to say tonight if she does ask.

More, I am hoping with ever fiber in my being that I don’t get a call from a hysterical parent that my daughter ruined their child’s Christmas.

I’m planning on blaming the Elf.

I hate that freaking thing.

What is up with all of you fools that play pranks with the elf? I have no idea what you are thinking! The Elf is here to make sure the kids behave. Why are you messing up your house, your kitchen? Why should the kids behave if the freaking elf doesn’t?

I’m so confused.

I’m also in need of the name of whatever fool told Abby that if she wrote to the elf he would write back. EVERY FREAKING NIGHT! It’s bad enough that I wake up in a cold sweat at 3am because I forgot to move the freaking thing. But to have to write a note on top of it all?

At 3 freaking AM?

Isn’t there enough work in Santa’s toy shop for the elves? Does he really need to outsource the naughty list to multiple elves?

Speaking of Santa. Since he is supposed to have brought the Elf to our house, why is it on a display right when you walk into the store? Thankfully my friend A had a quick response for that one:

Santa lets the store sell Elves you can touch so you won’t touch the one he sent you.

Guess what Abby wants now? I told her that Max would be jealous if she brought in another elf. She bought it thank the Good Lord. Then she saw the made in China tag this fool forgot to cut off his butt.

I told her she had a Chinese elf. Just like she has a Chinese grandfather. She thinks she has his eyes so it’s all good.

The grandfather’s eyes, not the elf’s.

Abby asked where Boo’s elf was. I’m like uh? Apparently since Max arrived when Abby turned 5 she expected one to show up for Boo. I would like to buy an icicle up the butt for whatever parent bought their kids more than one elf! Are you not busy enough? Do you not have enough to worry about that you decided to complicate matters!  I told Abby that Santa knew her elf was smart enough to watch over both of them. She turned to Max and said:

Great, now my kid is telling her elf to lie to Santa. I hate that Elf.