I’m a coward

This morning I sent Allie to school uninformed. I did not discuss the horror in CT with her this weekend. Oh, the news was on periodically. But the news is so out of her interest zone that she didn’t pay attention.

There was mention of the horror at Church. But again, she barely listens to the priest on a good day. If it was discussed during CCD, Allie didn’t mention it.

I did not deliberately shield her from the horror, but I did not expose her to it either. And this is why I admit my cowardness. Because I know at school today there will be talk and discussion.

I am very good at rationalizing. Allie won’t internalize what happened in CT. She will never think that it can happen to her. By living with Bridget and being exposed to hospitalizations, Allie already knows that bad things happen to little kids. She never has made the jump that it can happen to her. I also believe that Allie is still so innocent. How can a girl who believes in fairies ever comprehend the horror of small children being executed?

This weekend, Allie asked me if a Fairy could be special needs? For once, I was at a loss for words. Allie went on to say that she hoped to go to Never Land with Tinkerbell and see the Winter Woods. But she wondered if Boo would be able to go with her.

Since I literally had no answer, she came up with one on her own: They would sprinkle Boo with a “little” pixie dust, then Allie would hold her hand. Since Allie would do that for Boo,  of course (!) the other fairies would do the same if one of them had special needs.

Because, in Allie’s mind, you take care of one another.

And this, my friends, is why I let cowardice prevail. Because innocence should be preserved as long as possible. I do know that Allie will hear about the horror in school today. I plan on leaving work early to make sure I am home when she gets there. And I hope that she continues to believe that just because horrible things happen to other people, she is still safe.


2 thoughts on “I’m a coward

  1. Kerri

    Well, we love Tinkerbell! You were right. That night after school she informed us that the teacher explained that some man tried to hurt children at a school in CT. Allie told her class not to worry, she knew all the fire fighters and they would save them.

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