Dear Boo

Kerry at Transcending CP is a beautiful young woman who someday is going to change the world one child (and parent) at a time. She writes from the heart, as a child who has CP. On how CP not only affects her but her family. The good, the bad and the memories that make me want to go back in time and punch a jerk in the nose.

Last weekend she wrote about the Pain of Disability. It brought me, and a lot of other moms, to tears. It was both beautiful and heartbreaking. Tatum responded with a wonderful letter to our children. And these two posts brought me to this moment….




My Boo,

I adore you. You bring me such joy and peace. The moments in life where I feel the most contentment is when you are in my arms, with your head on my shoulder and your arms around my neck.




I apologize for the pain I have caused you with the hospitalizations, the horrid EEG testing, being the person who had to hold you down for lab work, X-rays, MRIs and IVs. I am sorry for the pain you have endured in your four short years.


I worry that the hours of therapy are too much for you. I wonder if by having you in all the therapies and medical procedures I am changing the child you were supposed to be. That you are working so hard for me, rather than for yourself.

I know you do not understand why you had to work so hard. To speak, to eat, to roll over, to walk. That when the other children run around a party and you cannot keep up it makes you sad. It makes me sad, too. But for different reasons.

When you saw me cry, when you heard me say “how much more can she take”, when you saw me break…my pain was not caused by you. Rather it was caused by knowing I was not Super Mom.

You see, Boo (and Kerry, Tucker, Owen, Sami, Cooper, the Boyz and Sunny or insert your child’s name here) as your mom I am supposed to be able to take away your pain. I am supposed to make life easy for you. Well, not easy. I am supposed to be molding you into the great person you will become.

But I am not supposed to hurt you.


A mom wants to be seen as a hero. As a miracle maker. The one who makes Fairies come to life, inhabits the role of Santa and jumps buildings in a single bound.

Being your mom has enriched my life in ways you cannot imagine. I have become an advocate, I have become a writer, I have become knowledgeable in medical terms I never would have learned. I have become something more.

More than Kerri. More than a wife and truthfully more than a mom. And none of that would have happened without you.

Boo, I do not regret one single moment of being your mom. I cannot imagine my life without you. When you were in the NICU I left you one night for five hours. The nurses convinced me to go home and get clothes, see your sister. I cried the entire time I was away from you. I still cannot listen to Carrie Underwood’s This was Just a Dream.

You were only five days old. I had seen you almost die twice and I swore in that moment that I would never leave you again. I would never again leave you to the mercy of medical staff without being there to hold your little hand.

Even if that meant I was the one holding you down for the test.

Boo you are my hero. You have defied the doctors who said you would not walk, talk or grow. You have defied my limited dreams of what to expect. At four years old you continue to amaze me every day.

I am so proud of you. Most children, heck most people do not have to work as hard as you do every day. They take their health for granted. They do not see the wonder when their child who has worked for a year to jump, manages to jump with a smile on her face.


Do not for one minute think that it is you who have caused my tears. You, my Boo, have made me believe in miracles.


Thank you for choosing me to be your mom.

Love,
Me.

PS–Dearest Kerry, thank you for writing your post. It reminded me that how I respond to Boo’s life has impact on her. I will remember to focus on the miracles and not so much on the pain. I hope she never feels that she has caused me pain, because the truth is she (and YOU) have only brought me joy.

27 thoughts on “Dear Boo

  1. Dana Hemelt

    You squeezed my heart a little with this letter, Kerri. You and Boo are each other's miracles. You don't have to be Super Mom, you just have to be the mom Boo needs – and that you certainly are.

    Like

    Reply
  2. Considerer

    This is stunning. So much going on in this letter, but above all, so, so much love for your gorgeous daughter. The two of you were made for each other, I reckon 🙂

    Like

    Reply
  3. Kerri Ames

    Okay, I feel a little guilty like I should have had a warning with this post 🙂

    Thank you to everyone for your kind words and getting it. That this post isn't really about me. But making sure I never give Boo the impression that she has caused me pain or tears.

    Like

    Reply
  4. Kristi Campbell

    Yes, yes, and a thousand kajillion yesses. Times a billion and a trillion. If there is one thing that I hope all of our amazing kids learn, it's that when we cry, fall on our knees, weep, wave our fists at God, it's FOR them, and not BECAUSE of them. Bawling. And fist-pumping. You, my friend, yes. This. This this this.

    Like

    Reply
  5. K

    Wow. When I first entered the blogging world, I had no idea how much it would change my life, how much people like YOU would change my life…

    Kerri, because of this blog and others like it, I am SO GLAD that I decided to take that leap into the blogging world. This post is beautiful x 1000…thank you so so so much for taking the time to share your thoughts with the world because they really do make a difference. This means so much to me! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    Like

    Reply
  6. Amy Denby

    This must have been incredibly hard to write. I must admit it was even hard to read as a parent, mother, person, anyone who has ever loved. Thank you for sharing, your last line says it all…”thank you for choosing me to be your mom.” Best wishes and well thoughts to you and your family.

    Like

    Reply
  7. AlongCameTheBird

    Kerri, I'm simply an echo to what others before me have said. This is beautiful and lovely and so, so heartfelt. What an incredible legacy for Boo to read herself one day. You know there will be more tears, more questions, more tests… but you have so clearly communicated that it is FOR her, your hopes and wishes and dreams FOR her. You are doing a good job, Mama. xoxoxo

    Like

    Reply
  8. susan nichols

    Beautifully written post. I think our kids know. That when they cry thru a test and we are crying, we are crying with them. When they work so hard and we cry, we are rooting for them. When they accomplish something and we are excited and cry, it is to be a part of the miracle of witnessing that accomplishment. I think Boo knows. All our kids know. We cry because they are our heroes and their lives often resemble a war. Its hard to watch sometimes. To be there with them and see them go thru hard things. God is so good. I am honored to be my children's mom. I wouldn't have it any other way.

    Like

    Reply
  9. RACHEL TaoOfPoop

    You really got me with the part about wondering how much is too much. I often wondered that as a teacher. There was so much that I wanted for them, but sometimes I thought all the therapy and interventions were looking at the children from the viewpoint of what needed to be fixed, not from the viewpoint of how beautifully unique they are just as they are. The thing is, Kerri, that I was only their teacher. I don't think I always knew what was right, how much to push. I KNOW that you know what's best for Boo. You are her mother. If it is too much, you will know. And, most of all, she is loved. That is most important of all.

    Like

    Reply
  10. Deb CG

    Oh my gosh, how beautiful and what tears are falling for me right now. What's so amazing about all this blogging we do is that our children will some day, when they are all grown up, really know what we thought. They won't need to guess. Boo will know how much you love her. She really really will. big hug.

    Like

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s