Stupid people shouldn’t bother me, but they do. The sad part is that they are not even stupid (and I should probably be ashamed for passing judgement like they did). But it is so frustrating sometimes.
This afternoon I took the girls to Mass. Usually we go Sunday mornings, but being a tad bit selfish I thought let’s go to 4p and then we can ‘sleep in’ tomorrow (yeah right). Anyway, Boo is never the perfect practitioner, she always screams ALLIE at the wrong moment, tends to laugh and squeal at the wrong moment. But I persevere. We will be a “normal” family and go to Mass (in all honesty, most not all weeks). We will not sit in the baby room. We will go to the child friendly one so that she is not so obvious.
My reasons for sitting in the pews are twofold. One, how can Allie know how to act in Mass if she is relegated to the baby room. Second, Boo isn’t THAT bad. Sure she squeals and talks loud when it is not appropriate. But at least she sits in my lap and (for the most part) behaves.
But this week, I screwed with the schedule. (oops probably shouldn’t use screwed when talking about Church!). Instead of going bright in early in the morning, I chose to go in the afternoon when Boo already had a bad day. Like horrific. Like I wanted to run away at one point because it was getting so bad.
So here we are in Church and Boo is acting like Boo. Not terrible, but not perfect. Then all of a sudden she had too much. I don’t know too much of what, but whatever IT happened to be, the woman in front of us did not appreciate. Now, to be totally honest, Boo wasn’t too bad. She just started laughing and trying to hug Allie.
Then all of a sudden a switch was flipped and (maybe because she had to be still) Boo started pounding her head against my shoulders. All of a sudden I felt like a spotlight was on us. I wanted to shout: LOOK PEOPLE I don’t know why she is doing this. If I did I would know why she does it on the pavement, the wall, anything without a soft cushion (believe me I’ve tried to redirect to soft surfaces).
They don’t know that she is suffering from a roller coaster of constipation to diarrhea to constipation. That her ass is a mess from being torn by the constipation and burnt by the acidity of the diarrhea. They don’t know that she didn’t sleep well.
They don’t know that they are lucky to have children who do not suffer.
The looks range from pity to “why can’t she control her”. And it undoes me. Seriously, for the first time I sit in the pew and think: Why? Why has God done this to her? To our family? What did we do to seriously piss him off?
Why don’t these God-fearing people look at me in the pew with two beautiful girls and say, can I help?
Why didn’t I wait until tomorrow when my husband was home and let him stare down these people?
Why am I embarrassed? I know it isn’t her fault. Why does she suffer? I know it was nothing I have done/didn’t do. I know that this head banging must provide some relief for her. I know I am doing the best I can.
I KNOW I shouldn’t care what these people think of me or her.
But I do.
As I left Church the family behind me approached and commented on how beautiful my daughters are.
I guess I have to stop and look around at all the faces, not just the ones who don’t understand.