Although the pain fades, it never goes away. I will never forget the fear I had, the moment I realized something was different with Bridget. Having to take her to the ER on her fourth day of life and bargaining for her life. I just wanted her to live.
Now “I just want her to be normal”
Yup, I said it. I was preparing for Bridget’s annual IEP meeting and one of her teachers asked me what I wanted. I told my truth: I want her to be normal.
I want Bridget to have a normal kindergarten experience. I want her to be an active part of the kindergarten community. I do not want (and yes, these words left my mouth) her to be the crazy aunt in the attic that is only brought down for the family photo.
I want her to be able to go to trick or treating with her sister, instead of leaving her behind because I cannot handle the stress of bringing her. (We are doing an alternative for her)
I want her to be invited to a birthday party and not wonder if I should contact the mom and make sure they are aware Bridget is not the typical classmate.
I want to have friends of a similar age over and not wonder to myself: this is what having typical siblings would be for her sister.
I want the first day of school to be just that, and not the start of the IEP process.
I want to take a day off for me and not because I have to take her to a doctor or therapy appointment.
I want to go to a party and not have her described (by a well-intentioned friend) that she is “our special princess”.
I want her to tell me how her day at school was instead of telling me pancakes and meatballs.
I want her to be able to tell me what she is upset about instead of tearing her hair out of frustration because she doesn’t have the language.
I want her to give me teenage angst, get her driver’s license, go to college, get married and have a normal life.
I want to just come to terms that she, the way she is today, is her normal. I need to find ways to stop falling into this trap.
In a thousand years, I hope she forgives me for these thoughts.
That is how I finished the sentence this Friday that started with: In A Thousand Years