A few words of advice….

When your child is born you are overcome with a lot of emotions. Then you get home and realize that you misplaced that instruction manual handed out to all new mothers.  Never fear, help is here!

Truth is, that “what to expect” is a bunch of bull crap. Here for you is the the real story of what to expect.
1. Don’t try to get the gum/lollipop/sticky thing out of your child’s hair. The more you try to remove it the more intwined it will become. Instead, cut around it and tell the preschool teacher that your sweet little thing got a hold of some safety scissors. 

2. You will never sleep again. Just when you get the baby to sleep through the night you will realize that you were the one in training. You will learn to rest like a combat soldier. Deep sleep one minute, the next wide awake realizing that your child is asleep. Around age 8 you will begin to sleep more soundly. Then they become teenagers and you start all over again. Remember those naps your mom told you to take? This is her revenge.

3. Speaking of grandparents. Sure they seem all benign and loving. That’s how they trick you. When they were your parents you had to make your bed, eat your veggies and clean your room. As grandparents they will take your child, give them sugar and toys that make noise. Then they send them home. Thus ensuring #2 

4. Your child will eventually be potty trained. Honestly, no child graduates high school with a diaper unless there is a medical need. Give yourself a break. You are doing fine. It is easier to train your husband to put the seat down then to explain bowel functions to a toddler.

5. Kids come with homework. Not the homework you might recall. But math homework you will have to Google to figure out how to answer the math problem they way they are supposed to. 

6. You will know, by heart, the words to every song on the Disney channel or movie. You will not know one person up for a Grammy, an Oscar or a Tony.

7. Phrases you never expected will come out of your mouth. For example, no you cannot tickle my butt or let me shut the windows so I can scream at you without the neighbors calling the cops.

8. Pre-child you thought multitasking was taking a call at work, while answering an e-mail and texting your girlfriends. You will soon learn the true art of multitasking: Going to the bathroom in a public restroom while holding your foot on the door so one child cannot escape while the other sits on your lap.

9. Your child will embarrass you. Seriously embarrass you. They will say inappropriate things (in and out of public), they will dress funny and they will one day tell the teacher: My mom had popcorn for dinner last night but made me eat all of my baked beans.

And the last gem, courtesy of Abby….

10. Babies are not fun. But 10 year-olds are so hang in there.

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