I suffer from something that is not medical. It is not really treatable. But it is real. I battle self-worth just about every day. This is not a poor me, everyone pat me on the back type of post. Rather it is my challenge: Wondering if I am good enough:
Am I a good enough wife? (Depends on the day)
Am I a good enough mom?
My hair, why just once can I not look put together?
I talk too fast, too often and without a filter. (Why, oh, why did I ask my friend who is a lesbian who gave birth to their child?)
I forget to breathe and enjoy the moment.
I want a cleaner house. One that is put together, that looks like something out of House Beautiful. Well not stuffy. But beach life.
I want to run faster, be healthier, be better. (It is not longer about coming in before last place).
Why do I have to look like the kid from MASK in pictures?
Is my writing good enough? Am I making a difference?
I wish I was a good of a friend to others as they are to me.
I wish I wore make up. Okay not really, who the hell has time for that? But I have an event next weekend and just know I am going to feel like an ugly duckling in Marcie’s beautiful dress she is loaning me.
I wonder why … insert self-effacing /self-defeating comment here.
For example, my challenge picture? I agonized over it. Seriously. Here I am asking people to send me their challenges and I cannot figure out how to take a good selfie. So I doctored one. Cause I’m an idiot (that is the dialogue in my head).
What is crazy is that I know I am not alone in this challenge. I know so many other people must have to overcome it. Otherwise we wouldn’t leave the bathroom in the morning. About three years ago I made a conscious decision to get out of my own way. To become more vocal, less of a wall flower.
I am getting better. I blog. I joined the PTA. I host ladies night. I will walk into a room where I know not a soul and strike up a conversation. If I see someone sitting alone I will try to bring them into a group. I will put myself out there in the hope to gain just a little more self-worth.
I try not to create this self dialogue in Abby. That is where my journey started. When Abby began saying she wasn’t good enough. I realized I was modeling language and behavior.
And that is why my challenge will not stop me. Impact me, for sure. But stop? Nope my challenge will not define me.