In July I had the wonderful opportunity to meet Emily from Words I Wheel By. Recently she had a post, Finding My Role, that got me wondering: Do we ever figure out who we are supposed to be? I know I am not alone in thinking this is not where I thought I would end up in life.
The true question is more than just where you are now (or will be). More it is how do you define yourself? Emily believes it is an insecurity issue and I find myself agreeing when I think about my own roles and how they define me.
When I was younger I thought when you were an adult you knew everything. I just believed you would end up where you should land. My friend wanted to be an Indian Princess. At that point I should have realized that was impossible. I never understood that I would not just have one role, but wear many tiaras. Or that I would view each tiara as tarnished and not worthy of it’s gleam. Who am I really?
Business Manager. I manage a small non-profit, I “think” I do a good job but find myself second-guessing my accomplishments. It stops me for looking at other opportunities as I doubt my ability to transition what I do for this company to another. I know it is time for a change, I just have to figure out how to meld my passions with my paycheck.
Writer. I do not consider myself a writer. This blog, or when this blog is featured on other mediums, is sometimes well-written and sometimes it is a general venting. But to call myself a writer? In my opinion writers #1 get paid and #2 are authors of novels or journalists.
Advocate. I want to advocate for inclusion and acceptance not just for those with disabilities but for all to be seen as equal and deserving. I do that through this blog and my own personal interactions. However I know I could be more effective.
Mother. Any parent of a preteen will feel the same way I am sure. The feeling that not only can you do anything correctly. It’s more than that, for me. It is the constant second guessing I do when it comes to Bridget. It is the angst I feel when I wonder if I am handling the preteen years with equal parts love and discipline. It is a recognition that what ever behavior issues we have with the girls it is because I have taught them to behave a certain way. And hoping like hell I haven’t screwed them up for life.
Wife. I know I am failing in the wife department. In all honestly, this is the one role where I shortchange in order to fulfill my other roles. I am sure I am not alone in skimping on spouse time to fulfill other obligations/wants.
Friend. I try to be there for my friends, my village. Yet I know they are there far more for me than I am for them. The friendship scales are very unbalanced, in my favor. I am very thankful for as little as I am there for others, the support I receive is overwhelming.
The comic Paula Poundstone used to have a part of her act that said “Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” That resonates with me, to a point. Yet I never would have imagined years ago that this is where I would be. Where I am is pretty great. I have a lot of great things happening in my life that are allowing me opportunities not to sit where life has landed me but navigate to where I want to be.
Two degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon who finally figured out what she wants to be when she grows up. Now I just have to figure out how.
Oh my God Keri, I can totally relate to this. I don’t;’ know what the hell I am and I panic when I thing of how old I am and how lost I sometimes feel. The only thing I can say for sure is wife and mom, and I feel guilty that it’s not enough.
Lost. Exactly, I think that is what is so weird is that we all think adults have all the answers. Then we become one and think where’s the owner’s manual!
I get this. I really do. I am nowhere near where I thought I would be when I was a kid. Things happen, people come and go. Living life on life’s terms and making the best out of what we’re given is where I’ve landed at this point. I don’t think it’s as easy as saying we are one thing or another. As you have so insightfully pointed out in this post, we wear far more than one hat on any given day.
It’s not easy, that is for sure! But I am pretty happy about where I have landed.
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Yes. Also, we are all writers. Even when we don’t feel like writing.
Argh!! So there is some combo on my laptop keyboard that makes an “enter” when I’m trying to do a space Cap thing. Just happened on Emily’s as well. Anyway! Gah. What I was saying… Even when we don’t feel like writing. Still, the community, the connections, the “we are not alone.” That!! Now go give David some loving already! 😉