When I had Allie I swore I was one and done. I had a great job, a husband who tried to be wonderful, a well discplined dog and a seemingly perfect child. I did not think I had the capacity to love a child as much as I love Allie. I did not think I would have the patience for another child. Because, let’s face it, having a husband and a dog is like having a more children. (I do love him, though, I swear!).

Then five years later, Boo appeared. I should start off with saying, that while not planned, Boo was not a ‘mistake’ or a reason for despair. Once we learned I was pregnant we were ecstatic. Okay, wait a minute, I admit I cried to my boss–but seriously I was ONE AND DONE! On top of it all, I am so not a baby person. Give me a toddler a tween and I can be the perfect mom. But babies? Pass the baby please to the maternal-type to my left or right.

What I learned, especially in the NICU, was that I could love another child. But that would not mean that I loved Allie any less. In fact, having Boo made me love Allie more. It made Allie grow up, and not be spoiled (I admit, she was spoiled). It showed me how great a girl Allie was, one who would teach me how to accept Boo for Boo. 

Although I am not a “baby” person (trust me, I used to change Allie with gloves on) I sometimes think she is God’s little joke on me. “Oh Kerri, you aren’t comfortable with babies? Have one for 3 years”. But I have risen to the challenge, yes totally patting myself on the back. And have relished in the baby years that passed to quickly with Allie.

And I was right. I do play favorites. Allie is my favorite shopping companion, the one who shares my sarcastic wit, the one I want to talk in an opera voice for a day (yes, we did). Husband is my favorite, start a fire and pour a glass of wine favorite. Bailey is my favorite to go for a walk/run with and Boo? She is my favorite snuggle, the one I could hold all day and not get tired. Boo is my favorite quiet moment, Allie my favorite crazy moment, Husband my favorite 80’s hair band moment. And Bailey my favorite unconditional love moment.

I think it is okay to pay favorites. Because life is never what we plan. Allie planned on the perfect sister, and got it. I planned on having another child that would fit in with our life-plan and got Boo. Bailey just wants someone to pat his head. And husband, well he hopes for more wine & fire nights. 
 
In those intervening years since I first learned I was pregnant with Boo, the well-mannered dog died of old-age. And idiot that I am, I convinced my husband to get a puppy.  And life got more complicated. But you know what, I may play favorites but I wouldn’t change a thing.

Maybe just one…..

I’m going to be honest. I typically do not believe in fate. I believe that we shape our own destiny based on choice. I struggle with divine intervention, as I believe first God doesn’t care who wins the Superbowl, second He  would be a loving God and wouldn’t allow Sandy Hook-type events to happen and third that God would realize I am ill-equipped to handle any child let alone one with special needs.  

But every once in a while something happens that makes me ponder how control I do have over my life, how much is left to fate and divine intervention.

Boo has yoga at J’s house on Saturday mornings and Allie recently began Pony Club at the exact same time (poor planning on my part, I admit). Usually it is not a problem and when my husband is on duty I can move yoga to a later time. Last weekend this was not the case and so yoga was rescheduled to New Years day. Again, what was I thinking? I came to my senses and just cancelled it all together. We had a pajama day instead.

I just received a text from J, the yoga instructor. Four of her five children have been diagnosed with the flu. Not just a cold, the actual flu. Not one of her children but four of them. (Okay, seriously how unfair is that!!!)

So I am again pondering. Was it just my overscheduling my girls or divine intervention or fate that yoga was cancelled and we escaped Boo being exposed? Because I know my girl’s luck and exposure would equal a hospital visit.

Just in case, we are definitely making Mass this weekend!

The New Year is here and I am very optimistic. Crazy, eh? Until I look at 2012 and realize it really wasn’t as bad as all the news channels make you believe. In fact we learned quite a lot.

For example, In Feb 2012 we went on a ski trip with another family. Allie learned that she HATED ski school and wondered why the heck she had to go to school when it was February VACATION. But my man and I got to ski for two whole days as one of our friends is a non-skiier and fully prepared/competent/caring enough to babysit Boo at the condo while we realized that our 40+ year old bodies do not quite ski as well as our 20 year old bodies used to.

In April we went to VA for Easter where we learned that you cannot hide chocolate eggs outside. They melt. I mean, melt as in becomes chocolate syrup. M&M’s lied to  us. Well not really. They might not melt in our hands but they sure did in the plastic egg.

In June I started blogging and learned that I am so not alone. There are plenty of moms out there being tortured by their family, in-laws, husbands and children. And yes, we all love our children, husbands and in-laws. They just drive us nuts sometimes. Blogging has allowed me to laugh, cry vent and learn. I have “met” (can you meet people you have never seen in person?) so many great people since then. All of us on a similar journey with different speed bumps.

In July I learned that Boo loves the sensory mat her aunt made her. I also learned that if you leave it on the deck the crazy puppy will think it is a water bed and bust it open trying to get the toys.

In September I learned that it was okay to be an idiot once in a while. As long as you accept and love your child more often than not. ALOT more often than not.

In October, I learned to be an advocate when Ann Coulter really ticked me (and a gazillion other people) off.

In November I learned that it was not only possible to travel to Disney with Boo, but enjoyable. I also learned that you can get Allie all the way to Orlando without her ever knowing she is going to the Happiest Place on Earth.

In December we all learned that the World is a pretty dark place sometimes. But the deaths in New Town does not define those families, the children’s lives did. (I refuse to give any more attention to the killer). I also learned that while the world is sometimes dark, Boo’s smile and Allie’s wit will always brighten my day.

So bring it on 2013. We might have ended the year on a bleak note. But as I hold onto my family, I know that it will all be okay. Happy New Year everyone!

Photo taken by: Lisa Perez Fine Art Photography

Usually I forgo making New Year’s Reservations. I mean resolutions. I figure why set myself up for failure? Instead I make New Year’s Wishes. Since my wishes haven’t come true  for 2012, I am so surprised that George Clooney did not show up on my doorstep to whisk me away, I have decided to make a combination list of wishes, hopes and resolutions.

1. I resolve to begin running again. I wish for motivation and hope for time in order to “just do it”
2. I resolve to be a better friend, to be there more for those who need it. I wish that they do not need it too often (because, really who wishes misery on their friends?), but hope they know they can ask me for help.
3. I resolve to give up Diet Coke. Cold turkey. Beginning Jan 1st. I hope I have the willpower to abstain. I wish my family patience in dealing with me being grumpy in the morning.
4. I resolve to spend more time hugging my girls and less time screaming at them. I wish for more patience and hope they learn behave like those perfectly behaved children my friends brag about.
5. I resolve to read more at night and spend less time watching Reality TV. I hope for the Real Housewives not to be so addictive and wish to find new authors who will enchant me.
6. I resolve to less time venting and more time rejoicing. I wish for less roadblocks for Boo and hope Tia continues to remind me how lucky I am.
7. I resolve to keep a cleaner house. I hope my family learns to clean up after themselves (especially crazy puppy whose dog hair is driving me nuts!) and wish for a cleaning lady.
8. I resolve to find balance in my life, between work/family/Boo’s therapies. I wish for George Clooney to show up at my door and hope he says, Don’t worry darling I’ve taken care of everything. See the maid, the live in therapist and I have a gazillion dollars so you no longer have to work. (sorry hubby!)

What are your resolutions, hopes and wishes?

Today is my favorite day of the year. Well, tonight actually. Tonight is the night that Tia and I have our annual girls night out. Just the two of us, no children and no husbands. Not that we do not love both. But this night we go out to dinner, share a bottle of wine and just catch up.

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!

Having survived the 2012 holiday season, I have determined new rules for Christmas 2013:

• The person who gives the gift must put the gift together. This includes, but is not limited to: horse stables, Barbie houses and the Euro-grow-with me chair. (By the way, the chair is the BEST GIFT EVER. Just a pain in the knees to put together.)
• If you are going to buy said gift that requires a  degree in rocket science to put together and you are not available for assembly you must provide the wine.
• Nephews who come for Sunday brunch should say thank you. Not ask why there isn’t enough corned beef hash. (Because honestly, YUCK I didn’t think anyone would be eating it anyway).
• Nephews should not ask, while in the midst of cooking the brunch and then cleaning up for me to teach them how to drive a standard. And then be surprised when I say not today.
• If you are going to participate in our Yankee Swap, at least have the gift look like you spent $20. Do not give a candle that I know you spent $5 on.
• If you are going to give a gift to the girls that takes batteries and makes annoying noises do not be surprised when my husband calls your house, cell phone, office and plays the toy on it’s loudest setting for your pleasure. Especially when it is a piano that plays Linus & Lucy. Non-stop once Boo figured out how to hit the button.
• And do not be further suprised when he calls you at 2am. (yes, yes he did)
• And lastly, if you are going to give Allie a make-up kit with 72 shades of eye shadow do not be surprised at the revenge gift I am planning for next year!

What are your rules?

We did it! We survived an influx of company, three different Christmas celebrations, Christmas Eve Mass and Christmas Day.

We survived playing Santa and putting toys together. (My husband and I have a new rule…who ever buys the gift puts the gift together!).

A good time was had by all, even if we are all exhausted.

Poor Allie. She & Boo have been sharing a room while the company is here for the week. Boo usually wakes up early and then (generally) will talk herself back to sleep. Except now she is in Allie’s room and sees Allie when she awakens. So poor Allie has been awoken every morning at 6am. And, thank goodness for older sisters, reads to Boo in her room until she hears the adults get up.

Except this morning. Because today Boo woke up at 3am. And thought it was playtime! By the time I realized that I wasn’t dreaming and I was hearing Boo shout, ALLIE BOOK with joy, I ran to Allie’s room. Boo had managed to climb onto Allie’s bed, stand on-top of her and drop the Princess Book onto Allie’s head. (see what physical therapy can accomplish?)

Poor Allie! Who is such a good sport. As I took Boo from the room, Allie said that it was okay, she would read to her. Until I told her it was 3AM go back to sleep!!!!

I have become the Clark Griswald of our family.

I hope you and yours have a Christmas full of peace, love and understanding.

And for all of us moms with children home on Winter vacation, I wish you to receive patience and wine.

Trust me, the wine will help with the patience!!!

Merry Christmas 🙂

The thing with Boo is that she doesn’t cry, she retreats into herself. Which to me is more heartbreaking. Santa left the train and all was well.

I suck at this.

This morning I sent Allie to school uninformed. I did not discuss the horror in CT with her this weekend. Oh, the news was on periodically. But the news is so out of her interest zone that she didn’t pay attention.

There was mention of the horror at Church. But again, she barely listens to the priest on a good day. If it was discussed during CCD, Allie didn’t mention it.

I did not deliberately shield her from the horror, but I did not expose her to it either. And this is why I admit my cowardness. Because I know at school today there will be talk and discussion.

I am very good at rationalizing. Allie won’t internalize what happened in CT. She will never think that it can happen to her. By living with Bridget and being exposed to hospitalizations, Allie already knows that bad things happen to little kids. She never has made the jump that it can happen to her. I also believe that Allie is still so innocent. How can a girl who believes in fairies ever comprehend the horror of small children being executed?

This weekend, Allie asked me if a Fairy could be special needs? For once, I was at a loss for words. Allie went on to say that she hoped to go to Never Land with Tinkerbell and see the Winter Woods. But she wondered if Boo would be able to go with her.

Since I literally had no answer, she came up with one on her own: They would sprinkle Boo with a “little” pixie dust, then Allie would hold her hand. Since Allie would do that for Boo,  of course (!) the other fairies would do the same if one of them had special needs.

Because, in Allie’s mind, you take care of one another.

And this, my friends, is why I let cowardice prevail. Because innocence should be preserved as long as possible. I do know that Allie will hear about the horror in school today. I plan on leaving work early to make sure I am home when she gets there. And I hope that she continues to believe that just because horrible things happen to other people, she is still safe.