gratitude | (Un)Diagnosed and still okay

This has been a crazy week. I feel there were moments when I thought this was the longest Monday ever, and it was Thursday. There were moments when I thought this was the quickest week ever, when I woke up on Friday morning and realized I had not accomplished half the things I intended to this week.

While there were more than a few what the freak moments, there were also 10 moments to be grateful for…

That I have a supportive employer, that understands the true meaning of a flexible schedule.
That there are plumbers out there that come the same day you run out of hot water
That my nephew who is on leave from the military is spending it with us
That my eldest came home for a month, not just a few days
That Bridget is full of stories again, even if they may or may not be 100% accurate
That while last week’s IEP meeting/3-year evaluation was another reality check, I did not leave in tears, but thankful Bridget is at a school that supports her where she is at
That friend who seems to know exactly when to text a “how’s it going” text while letting me live vicariously through her train adventures
That when around the campfire, when everyone was talking over one another, Bridget (with perfect articulation) proclaimed: LISTEN TO ME. SHUT OFF YOUR MOUTHS! And instead of being insulted, all of us stopped for a moment, laughed and then continued making memories
That this summer, Bridget not only bossed us around the campfire, she interacted with everyone. Even if she kept rearranging where we all sat.

And for number 10….that I am finally comfortable allowing myself to take me time and only feeling 5% guilty about it. After that IEP meeting, when I needed to recenter myself from my dreams to Bridget’s reality, instead of pushing it down and soldiering on…I did not go back to work. I did not go home and start cleaning or doing 100 other things I should be doing, I took time to walk the canal. I took time to enjoy summer in September on the Cape. I took time to text it out with the friends that never judge what I am feeling in that moment. While it sounds selfish writing it out, I know I needed that 90 minutes to soak in the sun and walk out those feelings that it is okay to mourn my dreams of Bridget’s possibilities while being thankful for her reality. That she has one, that she is happy and that at the end of the walk I know I am doing the best I can to give her the best life she lives to her fullest potential.

Time goes by so quickly, it has been a few weeks since I took a moment to pause and remember with all the craziness going on in my life it is important to remember all the good that has happened that balances out the feelings of my life is a dumpster fire.

Bridget loved her cheerleading season, that capped off with an exhibition at Gillette Stadium with the Patriots Cheerleaders. She not only picked the song her team danced to but insisted on doing the “Lift”.

Taking some “me” time and doing some much overdue self-care

That at work we have successfully opened a second location, expanding my role in a way that keeps me not only challenged but fulfilled

That a friend who spent a year in NYC, came home and we were able to have snacks for dinner for the first time in over a year.

That Bridget went bowling with a friend and while she has the funniest and slowest technique it doesn’t matter how the ball gets down the lane, we are just thankful for the gutter guards

That there were more smiles than tears this week

That when doing a deep clean in preparation for holiday visitors, I found little pieces of my eldest and her imagination that I had forgotten about. And the amazement that even though she has been away at college for over 3 years, I am still finding the hiding places of her “treasures”.

That while I was completely unsuccessful in recreating Wing Dings from Bobby Byrnes Pub, I didn’t poison us. While they were not wing dings, they were still edible, and the onion rings came out fantastic!

That I recognized that I am in a rut, personally, may have some menopausal madness going on and have started to strategize how to get me back to where I was a year ago. I have realized that Bridget’s latest health trauma has impacted me in a way the previous one had not. I could blame that menopausal madness, but those who know me know I don’t like a pity party or to shift blame. It is up to me to put myself back together. It will take some growth, some accountability and most of all my village. Thank you for not letting me slide, for not letting me fail and for never giving up on me.

And that is what I am most thankful for, the friendships new and old that continue to be the reason I survive this unexpected life.