Tag Archives: autism

Keeping Score

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One of the most difficult things I am learning in this time of Bridget’s life is discerning what is behavioral versus what aspects of this newest disease is a mental health issue. Looking back (because it is always easier to see what I did wrong than to predict future mistakes), Catatonia began infiltrating our lives last summer.

As with all things Bridget-itis, the small things I either missed or decided were not important or they were becoming a part of her quirky and cute nature. What I thought was behaviors over time became the tools Catatonia used to try to keep my girl in her head and take her out of our world.

Read more: Keeping Score

Bridget started refusing to leave the house. Going to the grocery store (one of her favorite places) became a negotiation if there wasn’t someone to stay in the car with her. Thinking it was behavioral, I made her push through when there was no other option. I didn’t realize she was having anxiety, and it was mentally painful for her to walk through those doors. Score 1 to Catatonia.

Bridget started talking only to me at home. I thought (at first) it was funny that she would “hide” her face from her dad and whisper to me the answer to whatever he was asking. Instead of being a new behavior, she was having mental anxiety that led to select mutism. Score 2 to Catatonia.

Bridget, while camping, refused to come to the campfire. Spent most of her time not only in the camper, but in her bunk. Bad mom moment, I kind of enjoyed the peace and quiet of camping, reading my book by the fire not having to listen to freaking Doc McStuffins on repeat. Instead, Bridget was showing the first signs of depression. Score 3 to Catatonia.

I asked the Doctor about all of these new diagnoses. If developmentally, Bridget’s brain is 4 years old, what the freak does she have to be depressed or anxious about? Okay, honestly there was a different “f” word in there.

Instead of reprimanding my use of adult language (perks of talking to her psychologist, they’re probably used to much worse), he gently explained that while Bridget’s mind might be 4 years-old, her body is not. Not only is her brain continuing to adapt and fight PACS1, but it is also having to deal with all the other hormonal, body and insert your teenage angst issue here concerns. Since her brain does not know how to deal with all that onslaught, it retreated into a state of catatonia.

Taking a minute here to remind all of you that I am not a doctor and may have misunderstood or misinterpreted all the information the Doctors have thrown at us over the past 4 months. If you have any of these issues or concerns, don’t trust me. Seek medical advice from a medical professional.

Carrying on after that short PSA. The Doctor tried to explain to me that with catatonia, depression, anxiety, select mutism and PACS1 (plus every other diagnosis Bridget has) what I am / have been afraid were behaviors I needed to help her correct, where actual mental health issues that we need to treat.

I asked how to I make sure that I don’t inadvertently create a behavior during this time?

I totally stumped the medical team with that one!

Here is the dilemma, the medical team is treating Bridget the patient. They are treating all the symptoms associated with her new diseases. They are also trying to be caring and cognizant of how her illnesses now affect our lives. (FYI getting up at 6am every day to give her a med SUCKS in JC CAPS, especially on the weekends). Yet they never thought of what behaviors we might create while treating her medical issues.

For example, what if I let Bridget not participate in grocery shopping now, while she is in crisis. What happens when she is no longer in crisis but has a learned behavior of staying in the car with dad? I guess that is okay, if he is home. But what if he is not and I have to run to the pharmacy?

What happens if we isolate ourselves now, to protect her from all her illnesses but that leads to us never leaving the house? (Self-serving PSA–if I am stuck in this house for more than 3 days, not allowed to leave, send Pinot Grigio).

Thankfully, this new cohort of Doctors listen and care. The advice is that if a behavior is not impacting Bridget’s life (like her increased stimming) then it is not a problem. For me not to sweat the small stuff (they are obviously new to the team). The behaviors that do impact her life (not leaving the house) is something we need to focus on. First with medication, then when she is no longer in this crisis “flight” mode, with therapy and baby steps.

And we have begun seeing small wins. Last weekend, Bridget walked to the beach. Score 1 to Bridget.

Today she got off the van very upset because her favorite teacher was not in school today. She verbalized it, and let me hold her until the tears were dry. Score 2 to Bridget

Keeping score, right now catatonia is up 3-2.

I know with time Bridget is going to kick catatonia’s ass. I am just going to have to be vigilant that once she does, there is not another behavior she has to overcome.

If I was a betting person, I would bet on my girl. She has never let me down before.

For every bad day

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After my vent-post the other day, I received so much compassion that is simply overwhelming. As I said to one friend, I am a much better caregiver than caretaker. One person did reply (sweetly) that Bridget and I make this life seem easy. Not in the way people who have perfect Facebook/social media lives, but you know their real life is a hot mess.

In our case, whether you see us online or in the supermarket, we live Bridget’s life out loud. The good, the fun, the ugly cry moments and the ones that bring me to my knees.

The reason I am so open, is that if I can make one parent (or sibling) feel like they are not the only one living this life, that there is one person on this Earth that might not exactly what they are going through, I do know that feeling of what the actual fuck! I know how it feels that we cannot seem to have a “quiet day” but maybe not exactly what brought you to that moment.

We are also so very lucky. For every single bad day (or moment or month) we have 50 really great ones.

This past weekend was full of those little great moments that make it easier to get through the really tough days. I know they are little moments, and the bad moments have felt insurmountable lately. But for me, these moments allow me to remember the girl who would never…

After months of trial, we got to the beach!

….walked two miles this weekend and got to the beach. She could not stay but look how close she got to the water!

Then to make life a little sweeter, our girl managed to go to the grocery store (another win this month) and made the cake that she had purchased.

Everything is better with cake

And that, my friends, is how I keep the light in our lives. How as hard as this life can be; by celebrating these little wins, it makes the battles easier to fight.

My advice is to keep enjoying those little moments in your life, my fellow warrior parents. Celebrate them. Because if you do, I swear it will make the moments when you are in your driveway screaming at the trees how pissed off you are at this unfair life you’ve been given happen a little less often.

And for the times that you need more than good memories, I recommend calling a really good friend and sharing a glass of the adult beverage of your choice as they listen to how much you love your child but kind of wish there was a warranty given in the delivery room.

Dear Bridget

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Last week this memory popped up on my Facebook feed and I had no idea what I had written way back in 2013.

I searched and found this post where I was trying to explain to a four-year-old Bridget (Boo back then) why she had to work so hard to make the tiniest progress and how sorry I was that I am the one that causes her the pain, procedures and therapies. Yet I never once in those four years, have I regretted one moment of this unexpected life.

Unfortunately, for Bridget, turning 16 was not sweet. It has been nine months of struggle and after a lot of work, acquiring not one but four more diagnoses and adding more doctors to her list of specialists.

Which brings me to this moment, where that letter to Bridget needs to be updated. *Tissue warning ahead.

Continue reading →

This is an Autism Family

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A parent walks into the store, dragging her child kicking and screaming as other shoppers look on.  A sibling walks into the store and says, “next time I will babysit so you can try to get the shopping done”.

A parent answers, “What time is it” for the 500th time with patience that is waning. A sibling tries to redirect the looping by distracting them with Disney Jr.

A parent tells her other child that they cannot attend the school play, because their sibling cannot handle the lights and sounds. A sibling whispers they understand while their heart is breaking. Continue reading →

For the uninitiated, this is what it looks like

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I’m going to feel all lapsed-Catholic guilt for admitting this, but I sometimes despise this life. I hate that I don’t understand my own child. I despair that by my own actions I am the trigger to her crisis. I freaking loathe that this behavior doesn’t happen at school but only at home (see trigger comment).  I despise that I cannot calm her, I cannot reason with her, I cannot even give in to her because if I do this will not be a daily occurrence but an hourly one.

For the uninitiated, this is what a meltdown looks like. Continue reading →

The Last Workshop

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Part of Bridget’s program at school involves monthly workshops. An afternoon every month where all of her educational support personnel, the head of her SPED program, her preschool teacher, speech therapist and occupational therapist meet and go over every one of Bridget’s programs. Parents are encouraged to attend so we can follow through with the therapies at home. It also is a time for them to learn what behavior we are seeing at home and vice versa.  Continue reading →

I struggle with autism awareness…a guest post

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A personal guest post from my dear friend, Laura. She is a warrior mom to her son, Zachary. Her son is gorgeous. Like a mini-Elvis gorgeous. You know before he got old. Laura is an incredible photographer, gorgeous inside and out. Her smile lights up a room.This is her feelings on autism awareness and why she struggles to define what it means to her.

April is Autism Awareness Month

A day where many Facebook posts are made showing supporters wearing blue shirts, lots of puzzle piece memes floating around, and posts declaring support for family and loved ones affected with autism.

I struggle with this day for so many reasons.  Mostly I’m grateful for the support and recognition for my son and his friends who live with autism.  But I also try so hard to be a little vulnerable and allow people to see into our world of struggle, meltdowns, heartache, therapy, triumph and successes.  But this is where the ‘awareness’ part of ‘autism awareness day’ comes in.   I have to be strong and let people see that we do struggle daily with our own ‘norms’ and having the outside world understand what our ‘normal’ looks like. Continue reading →

The Sun and the Moon

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April is Autism Awareness Month. Yet I find autism awareness tough to explain. Most people are aware that autism exists. There are very few people who have not heard the term or who haven’t come into contact with someone who knows someone with autism. The problem is in explaining how Bridget and her friend Zach can be the same age, both have autism yet they are as different as the sun and the moon. The sun and the moon are both stars, after all. Yet they present completely differently. Continue reading →

TBT–One face of autism

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Today’s Throw Back Thursday Post is perfectly timed. It was first published last year on April 2nd for Autism Awareness Day and today Bridget is again just one small face of Autism.

Today is Autism Awareness Day. While I may not (yet) be comfortable with Boo having an added diagnosis of Autism, I am getting there. There is no escaping the fact that Boo was tested and she has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. But what does this a child with autism look like?
It depends on the child. When Boo was first diagnosed my friend Julie told me that Autism Speaks has a motto: Meet one child with autism and you have met one child with autism. The children are as unique as a snowflake. Each wondrous and magical and heartbreaking beautiful.
A child with autism is born just as perfect as a child born without. Continue reading →

Thankful to be 1 of 20

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Today is the very first PACS1 awareness day. A day created by the parents of just 20 children, with the help of fellow bloggers. PACS1 is a rare genetic syndrome. So rare that there are only 20 children in the world that have been diagnosed.

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There could be more children. So much more. Sadly there are countless parents out there with children who have unknown syndromes. Unless physicians are aware of the PACS1 malformation they will not know to test for it. Unless parents know that PACS1 exist they will not be able to ask their physician to test for it.

What I am so very thankful for, today, is finding the PACS1 parent community. Together we have discovered that common therapies help our children succeed. We have discussed what has worked, what hasn’t and how our various countries create special education advances. While small, we are making a difference. Not just in our families, but in others.

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To be able to send a quick message, and be told YES we have that same issue. To be able to not feel alone.

I know, in truth, our family was never alone. We are so beyond lucky in our village. Those who are there (day/night, text/call, whatever we need). We have been surrounded by support each step of Bridget’s life.

Other are not so lucky. They do not have the resources, or the reach, to know where to look for the answers. To know that no matter what that answer is they have friends and family who will be there.

Here is why PACS1 Awareness is so important. The parents know that there are more families out there searching. When we were diagnosed in October we were told Bridget was just the third child and only girl. Based on the research from 2011 published just 3 years prior to our diagnosis.

In the three years since the original paper was published 17 other children had been diagnosed. (Research papers are not typically updated) If I hadn’t contacted the originators of the paper we might never have found our PACS1 families. We would not have known that while still considered an “orphan disease” (what they call syndromes with less than 200,000 people) we were more than 1 of 3. We are now 1 of 20. Maybe tomorrow we will be 1 of 100. I never give up hope.

Bridget’s doctor didn’t know to test for PACS1 because the research was not widely promoted. If doctors are unaware of a syndrome they cannot test for it, without performing full gene or Exome genetic testing. Without that testing we would not have found the PACS1 gene.

Sadly, most parents do not know to ask for it or how to go about getting the testing done.

If parents do not know about the possibility and if doctors do not know to test for the PACS1 malformation, more children will struggle with being undiagnosed. Undiagnosed is a difficult life for a family. We worry about early death, question what therapies to use and feel isolated.

With more awareness of PACS1 more research may be undertaken so parents will know how best to nurture their children. Please, I ask you…no beg you, share the PACS1 information with others. Join the PACS1 Awareness Day on Facebook (not a fundraiser, I promise!). Invite your friends to join you in spreading the news about this very rare syndrome.

You might just be someone’s Dr. House.

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I want to personally thank my blogging friends who are writing about PACS1 today:
Abracabadra
Considerings
Finding Ninee
Mardra Siorka
Transceding CP
Another Clean Slate
Red Boots
Tamara (like) Camera
Anna Fitfunner
Cape Cod Scrapper
Club Scrap

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For more information on PACS1 please visit our PACS1 Families Site