Tag Archives: love

Ten Things

What I like most about the Thanksgiving and Holiday season, is that so many of us take a moment to realize how lucky we are, even if we are not having the best of days (or hours). For example:

Being able to send a WTF SHOOT ME NOW text and have a friend respond: Do you need bail money, help hiding the body or just a wine drop off?

Having a house full of company for the Thanksgiving holiday. Yes, it was chaos. Yes, there was a lot of food, laughs and dog hair every freaking where. And my MIL kicking my ass in cribbage, again.

During the Thanksgiving, having my nephew and niece stay with us. That they let me be Kerri the Great to their toddler. This little child who is so typical it does my heart good to be a witness. This is going to sound weird, but it no longer hurts to see a little child who takes for granted how easy it is for them to run, eat and climb. Rather, it makes my hurt burst with pride at how wonderful parents my nephew and niece are. Their toddler has totally stolen my heart, in all the best ways.

Not only can I message my other nephew, who is serving overseas, but he can message me back within minutes. He (like my eldest) has no respect for the time difference, texting me at 2am my time without even realizing it. I am so thankful he does, that even though he has been serving our Country for the entirety of his adult life, and been not local for 100% of it, the connect has not faded but rather grown.

I am so thankful to have this friend, who honestly rebuilt her life from the ashes and is now paying it forward. On Instagram @LisaRisesStrong she is putting herself out there, trying to help others live their best lives. That I have been able to be a witness to her growth and can now share her with the world to showcase how awesome she is something I am so thankful.

It now officially Christmas music season. And that Pandora exists so I can make a playlist of my favorites and more that Bridget seems to know the difference between Christmas music and all other genres.

There is no Elf in my house.

I think we have found the right mix of medications to keep the catatonia at bay and bring Bridget back. During the holidays, the company did notice she was still reserved and not quite as social. However, they noticed a huge improvement from the summer. Thursday when she got off her school van, she actually chatted with the van driver. That is a bigger deal than some of you may realize. She also chatted with a stranger at Market Basket. Okay she was trying to once again explain to a random shopper why they needed the PINK pop tarts. But she engaged and talked to someone that is not me.

That Amazon exists. Okay, I know they are horrible for local small businesses. But having one child in the frozen Tundra, one nephew overseas and countless friends around the world, it is so very helpful to do one stop shopping and shipping.

Last but not least, I am thankful for when there are those times I have to work from home on a weekend, this is my office.

A little self-care goes a long way

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I am horrible at self-care.

With my eldest away at college, I am very aware of how much I took advantage of her being here. Wait, that sounds bad. I did not really take advantage, more I was spoiled by her willingness to hang out with Bridget while I went for a walk, a night out or even just running to the grocery store without Bridget tagging along.

I am extraordinarily lucky that while my friend’s children are grown and have either left the nest or are fully independent, my friends understand that 99% of the time, if they see me that I will have Bridget with me.

I am also lucky that while her dad is as joined at my hip as Bridget is, he does get that once in a while I need a mommy-time-out.

It is my own fault that I have self-isolated…which brings me to how I have also neglected my own self-care. Not just by putting family and work first. Not by not prioritizing myself. But I think I might have had a little (gasp) depression over the past year. Those who know me, know I just threw up in my mouth a little bit by not only writing it out but acknowledging I may not always be able to pick myself up by my big girl panties and suck it the fuck up.

If not depressed, I definitely allowed myself to get “old” over the past year. I’ve gained weight. I am not maintaining my nutrition and balancing the snacks like a 50+ woman should. Instead, I am acting still maintaining the diet of my 16-year-old self with access to my parent’s liquor cabinet! I have not truly exercised (other than walks that become shorter and shorter) this past year. Me, the woman in her 40’s that was running obstacle races probably could not jump rope in her 50’s.

Somewhere along the way, I decided my gray hair was fine. That it was natural. After all, I haven’t worn makeup since it was forced upon me at my wedding 29 years ago. I have historically been a woman that is low maintenance, just some wet hair and some hair gel and I am ready to go. I even started cutting my own hair over the last year (something those of us with curls can get away with!).

Then I saw this photo of me.

Holy crap, I got old.

And not in a graceful, Betty White way.

So the other night, I took some time for some long overdue self-care. I went to an adult salon, not a chain.

Thankfully the stylist not only took mercy on me but guided me away from looking like Elvira and inadvertently signing up to a hair commitment I could never keep. Three hours later I went from this to that.

Photo courtesy of Michelle @ Color Me Crazy Hair Salon

Thank you, Michelle at Color Me Crazy for rejuvenating this tired, overworked special needs mom. It was just what I needed.

Ten Things

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This has been a better week than most. Maybe because I had a long weekend away that was not only made my work week shorter but allowed me to step away from the WIFI and cell phone. And there are at least 10 other things that I am thankful for this week:

Laughing at a picnic table, in 40-degree weather, declaring that guys don’t want to f*ck skunks (if you know you know) among other discussion absurdities at almost 1am. And not apologizing to our other camper friends for keeping them up with our giggles. Instead saying; you should have joined us if you were awake 🙂
Enjoying a bottle of wine (each) in a friend’s camper as we remembered friends lost too soon and deciding that if we were just left in charge of the world, life would be perfect.
That last night after having to leave a retirement party 4.2 minutes after I got there because Bridget was triggered by some unknown something, today I spent almost 3 hours at a Dunkin’ with her as I caught up with another non-typical mom. We laughed; we cried and created a stronger bond with an ally in this unexpected and unasked for life.
That I have a boss that not only encouraged me to take the extra-long weekend, even though I’ve had so many days off this year because in his words: Those were for medical appointments, this is for you.
That a friend called me out for “losing hope” and reminded me that I am not losing hope but reimaging Bridget’s future.
That I spent 2 hours talking on the phone with my PACS1 friend from Australia. What was supposed to be a quick chat turned into a really informative conversation and an agreement that we cannot let another year go by without another one.
That when I text a friend that I haven’t corresponded with in ages asking if she was up for a bit of “snark”, she not only said “hell yes” but then texted me throughout the night as we caught up on one another’s lives.
That #6 & #7 reminded me that I have not done a great job of keeping informed about what has been going on in my friends lives. That this reminded me that I cannot self-isolate but be there for others. And more importantly, that even though times goes by too quickly that does not mean too much time has gone by to reach out to what could be a lost friendship, and instead recenter myself on why these connections are not just a band aid but a vital part of my life.
That Bridget’s latest medication regimen seems to be working. She is having more laughter and less tears in her day. Yes, she is stimming all the time, and we are not back to baseline (yet) but my girls is slowly coming back to me.
That while I mourn the loss of summer, I am so enjoying moments like this.

Ignore my attempt at trying to keep basil alive HAHAHAHA

My Mother-in-law’s Curse

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Do you remember when you were a teenager and your mom cursed you with: I hope one day you have a child just like you?

When my mom said that she meant perfect like me, it was more of a hope than a curse. Especially when I was a teenager. I never caused problems, there was never any drama, and I was a perfect student. Really, she had no idea how lucky she had it.

My mother-in-law on the other hand raised a bunch of hellions. I don’t know how she survived them. When she said her curse, she meant all the voodoo type of future grandchildren that would cause her children more gray hairs and sleepless nights. It’s true, my sister-in-law was gifted boys just like her brothers. It wasn’t her husband’s fault at all that the boys were wild.

Of course, my mother-in-law never mentioned the curse she bestowed on her son. And to this day, she will probably deny it.

With my eldest, I understood the curse was real. While she wasn’t a total hellion, oh man the teenage girl drama was real.

For some reason, I thought with Bridget that I was spared by my mother-in-law’s curse. Since Bridget has always been behind her peers and has a mind of a 4-year-old, I thought puberty would either never happen (yes, I was swimming in the river of the de-Nile) or would just be something she would not realize was happening.

Then catatonia happened. Then depression happened. Then PACS1 remained the gift that kept on giving. And now puberty and all the fun that goes along with it.

This Saturday was a perfect example of wondering what the hell is going on. Refusing to get dressed and wanting a PJ Day on a perfect end of summer day. Not leaving her room, on her device all freaking day. Now I remember my eldest at 16 doing this, spending the weekend in her PJs and the odors that go along with that. The just hanging out in her room, only to come out for food and water.

Because of the way this year is going, of course I have to grapple with is it PACS1? Is it catatonia? Is it anxiety because she doesn’t know what to wear or what the day is bringing? Is she depressed because she isn’t in her routine?

Or is she just being a pain in the ass teenager?

After being in her room for an hour, she comes out buck ass naked like the 4-year-old she is, asking me to help her get a dress of a hanger.

It again reminded me of my eldest at 16y, ranting at me one moment and being sweet as the young child I remembered.

Sigh.

All I know is just like typical moms, this mom will be doing a happy dance when the van picks Bridget up for the first day of school tomorrow. Hoping the battle to get her out of the PJs is a short one.

Just like I used to with her sister.

********

Disclaimer: if my mom denies that I was a perfect teenager, remind her that she is old and I am in charge of whatever nursing home she ends up in!

Deep Breath, there is so much to be thankful for

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It would be easy and probably forgivable if I allowed myself to stay in the pity party mode with all that has been going on with Bridget lately.

Those that know me, know that I set a timer on those moments, because there is way too much to celebrate. Even on the days when what I may be celebrating is that I realized my shirt was on inside out before I left the house and not midway through the workday (true story).

With the end of Summer this weekend (where did summer go!), instead of remembering that this summer was full of really hard moments, I am going to celebrate the best moments that happened in between all the crap ones.

My eldest used us as a pit stop on her way to India and a trip of her lifetime to start the summer off. We hadn’t seen her since Christmas and let’s just say someone was very happy to see her.
In all the craziness of catatonia, we found a new team of Doctors who meet with us once a week via video and explains things in a way that makes sense. They don’t talk at us but with us and truly care about improving Bridget’s quality of life.
An unexpected phone call from a researcher who is studying effect of PACS1 on the brain and learning that not only has he not stopped studying PACS one, but research is also continuing by others across the States.
That my office has been supportive and helpful with all the expected and unexpected time off for Bridget appointments. Bonus: they never judged when I took a “me day”
Friends that check in, friends that have been there when they can and accept when I cannot be there.
That my mom still goes to Barry Manilow concerts and dances like a teenager.
Pinot Grigio.
Our annual camping trip in the land without WIFI or Cell Service. I was so nervous about how Bridget would do. There were low moments, there were moments where she was not herself balanced with moments in the pool (her happy place) and the campfire where she was the girl I remembered from summers past. That we were surrounded by friends that said there are no words, but they are always here for us.
While we have not been able to do date nights, we have a firepit. Our backyard escape has been where we can reconnect and remember that throughout it all, we are a couple first and Bridget’s parents second.
That while summer might be ending this weekend, there is still time for moments like this:

What are you happy for this Summer?

For every bad day

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After my vent-post the other day, I received so much compassion that is simply overwhelming. As I said to one friend, I am a much better caregiver than caretaker. One person did reply (sweetly) that Bridget and I make this life seem easy. Not in the way people who have perfect Facebook/social media lives, but you know their real life is a hot mess.

In our case, whether you see us online or in the supermarket, we live Bridget’s life out loud. The good, the fun, the ugly cry moments and the ones that bring me to my knees.

The reason I am so open, is that if I can make one parent (or sibling) feel like they are not the only one living this life, that there is one person on this Earth that might not exactly what they are going through, I do know that feeling of what the actual fuck! I know how it feels that we cannot seem to have a “quiet day” but maybe not exactly what brought you to that moment.

We are also so very lucky. For every single bad day (or moment or month) we have 50 really great ones.

This past weekend was full of those little great moments that make it easier to get through the really tough days. I know they are little moments, and the bad moments have felt insurmountable lately. But for me, these moments allow me to remember the girl who would never…

After months of trial, we got to the beach!

….walked two miles this weekend and got to the beach. She could not stay but look how close she got to the water!

Then to make life a little sweeter, our girl managed to go to the grocery store (another win this month) and made the cake that she had purchased.

And that, my friends, is how I keep the light in our lives. How as hard as this life can be; by celebrating these little wins, it makes the battles easier to fight.

My advice is to keep enjoying those little moments in your life, my fellow warrior parents. Celebrate them. Because if you do, I swear it will make the moments when you are in your driveway screaming at the trees how pissed off you are at this unfair life you’ve been given happen a little less often.

And for the times that you need more than good memories, I recommend calling a really good friend and sharing a glass of the adult beverage of your choice as they listen to how much you love your child but kind of wish there was a warranty given in the delivery room.

Dear Bridget

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Dear Bridget,

Holy crap you are SEVEN years old today. TODAY. You, my love and my light, are an incredible girl.

This year you have done so much more than I ever expected.

You give the best hugs and have the sweetest smile.

You have the evilest laugh when you take your sister’s headband and run around the counter.

You have charmed more stickers out of the receptionist at therapy than any other child.

You are full of sass, and I mean sass. Continue reading →

I have two kids and two parenting styles

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Today I am so very honored to be featured on SheKnows Media, discussing how when you have your first child, they are barely out of the womb before someone will ask when they will have a sibling. I would always say never. I could not imagine sharing the love I had for this child — nor having the patience to deal with another one. For years, I was told I would love both children equally but differently. Five years later when — surprise! — that second child was born, I finally understood what “equal but different” love meant.

To read more, click here

It’s only 7 days old and 2015 is kicking our butt

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On Dec 31st we all made resolutions: more me time, more patience, more living and (a favorite) to enjoy 2015 to the fullest. But it seems that 2015 is going to be very difficult to tame. As a friend of mine recently posted: she is done with 2015.

For many of us 2015 hasn’t begun well. Back to school and back to Every Day Freaking Math. The amount of life changes in just 7 days seems overwhelming. Friends have received deployment orders (so much for no more boots on the ground). Another special friend has suffered a tremendous loss. Still one more has lost their job.

Even Mother Nature is picking on us. Did I mention it was only 18 degrees this morning? Continue reading →

Sisters

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I get asked about the girls relationship a lot. Like A LOT. Asking about how I fostered this relationship between them. The truth of the matter is, I haven’t done a thing. Abby and Bridget’s relationship happened organically. David and I very little to do with it.