I hate the Elf

Who thought up this freaking elf and decided to let Abby in on the awesomeness? I’d like to buy you an nice icicle up the butt. I blame the public school system and totally get why Sylvia homeschools.

What is up with all of you fools that play pranks with the elf? I have no idea what you are thinking! The Elf is here to make sure the kids behave. Why are you messing up your house, your kitchen? Why should the kids behave if the freaking elf doesn’t?

I’m so confused.

I’m also in need of the name of whatever fool told Abby that if she wrote to the elf he would write back. EVERY FREAKING NIGHT! It’s bad enough that I wake up in a cold sweat at 3am because I forgot to move the freaking thing. But to have to write a note on top of it all?

At 3 freaking AM?

Isn’t there enough work in Santa’s toy shop for the elves? Does he really need to outsource the naughty list to multiple elves?

Speaking of Santa. Since he is supposed to have brought the Elf to our house, why is it on a display right when you walk into the store? Thankfully my friend A had a quick response for that one:

Santa lets the store sell Elves you can touch so you won’t touch the one he sent you.

Guess what Abby wants now? I told her that Max would be jealous if she brought in another elf. She bought it thank the Good Lord. Then she saw the made in China tag this fool forgot to cut off his butt.

I told her she had a Chinese elf. Just like she has a Chinese grandfather. She thinks she has his eyes so it’s all good.

The grandfather’s eyes, not the elf’s.

Abby asked where Boo’s elf was. I’m like uh? Apparently since Max arrived when Abby turned 5 she expected one to show up for Boo. I would like to buy an icicle up the butt for whatever parent bought their kids more than one elf! Are you not busy enough? Do you not have enough to worry about that you decided to complicate matters!  I told Abby that Santa knew her elf was smart enough to watch over both of them. She turned to Max and said:


Please don’t report on Boo. She won’t get any presents.

Great, now my kid is telling her elf to lie to Santa. I hate that Elf.

20 thoughts on “I hate the Elf

  1. Janine Huldie

    You seriously made my morning. I keep forgetting to move the damn thing, let alone write a note to the kids from it. God help me if Emma or Lily come home telling me I need to do that, too. Seriously wishing the whole Elf thing never started or happened here either. But just think only another 9 days left of this now!


  2. Dana Hemelt

    I think “icicle up the butt” is my new favorite phrase. That damn elf was clearly invented by someone with no children. Maybe he could accidentally fall into a cement mixer..


  3. Rich Rumple

    If I only had the ability to move the elf from the front door area to your bedside table while you were sleeping … you'd totally freak out!!!! lol Way to think on your feet while answering questions. We never had to deal with the elf. I'd just go to the phone, pick up the receiver, and then look at the girls and say, “Do I really need to call Santa about the way you're acting or are you going to straighten up???” Worked like a charm, and didn't have to worry about 3 a.m. wake up calls! Loved it! Funny stuff!!!


  4. Melissa Swedoski

    Sounds like a lot of effort, especially when we are doing good to pick up toys around here. Hopefully we can avoid this labor involved elf, but if we are strong-armed into it we at least know to remove the tag now!


  5. Christine

    I have plenty of icicles I could sell ya. 🙂

    I am so, so glad we never started the elf thing at our house. And a note?!?!? Craziness!

    Only 9 days til Christmas…how did that happen?


  6. Kathleen Garber

    We don't do Elf on a Shelf. I did wonder about the whole see him at the store part LOL. I think the ones putting up pictures of the elf doing naughty things are just being silly and either don't have kids or aren't leaving it like that for their kids. Or at least I hope.


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