It is time to take 5 minutes and just write without an editor. Ready, Set, Go….

Belong

I have long struggled to belong. During the school years I always felt like a misfit. Then after high school I struggled to know where I belonged. Should I go to college and follow the herd or get a job to pay the rent. I chose the job, because well rent has to be paid. Then I struggled with learning how to belong into the adult world.

I have never belonged to my own skin, always wanting to conform to be part of the pack.

When I met David I felt I belonged. I was part of a couple, a team, a family. Then came Allie and I faltered learning how to belong in the world of the mom and the worker. Never really having enough energy for both worlds.

When we had Boo I struggled again to belong. There was no community for an undiagnosed child. Sure there were doctors, therapists and family. But no one who really got it.

Then the world of blog allowed me to belong. I found kinship with other moms who struggle with their children. Allowing me to be Allie’s mom and Boo’s mom. Two different countries but the same world.

Belonging to the world of family has been my saving grace. Belonging, to me, means having purpose. To have similar goals and dreams. I have been blessed with knowing I belong to many worlds. All important, all loved and all supportive.

Belonging doesn’t mean following the pack. It means being secure in yourself so you can share yourself with others.

I have always struggled to belong. I am glad I finally do.

END

How would you spend 5 minutes to belong?
 

In Church, I learned to silence my family with the LOOK. All mothers obtain some variation of the look around the time your child is 2 years old. However, I was lucky to years of training with my husband.

You must understand, David loves nothing more than to make…well…inappropriate words and gestures during a service. For example:

At a wedding for a friend, I was a tad late arriving to the Church. I quietly got into the pew, knelt down next to David and he whispered in my ear:

“That Pope guy is drunk”

The poor man starts the vows and he sounded like the Priest in the Princess Bride.

http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3s56o4/

Now, I know, the Priest most probably had a lisp. But when you are late and get told something and you have a problem with laughing at inappropriate moments (think funerals, weddings, etc) it is hard to contain the giggle.

I tried, I swear to cover it with a cough. Then friend behind and in front of me started shaking their shoulders by silently laughing at me. This of course made the giggles worse. The mother of the Bride sent me the LOOK of death and pointed to the video camera that happened to be right at the end of the pew I was sitting in.

Yup, that was me laughing during that solemn moment in your wedding. I continued the tradition by laughing through my own wedding.

Anyway at that moment I learned the LOOK. It has gotten stronger over the years as Allie began attending Church. It gets a lot more use when her dad is with us. I really do blame him for her poor manners. Because, well I’m an angel and they are spawns.

When Allie made her First Communion she was in the front pew talking to her friend. The LOOK is effective from across the Church. Until her father started doing the chair dance and pretending to eat cookies in the pew.

Each week it is an adventure to see who will get the LOOK first. Usually it is David. And then last month it happened. Boo got the LOOK. The Priest had just done something and at the top of her voice Boo proclaimed

It echoed. And proved that she is the only one immune to the LOOK when she snorted and gave her belly laugh. Which of course sent the other two spawns to egg her on. I really, really wish I had Kristi’s talent to draw you a picture of the LOOK. But if I could draw, this is what it would look like, except with steam coming from my ears.

So what did you learn in Church? Join me at Finish that Sentence Friday!

A couple weeks ago Love that Max had a post asking how did you go about deciding to have another child? Some people were not so kind in their responses. More recently Jessica wrote wondering if she was being selfish having only one child.

It is weird because I get this question a lot:

If Boo was born first would I have “chanced” Allie.

I would like to say heck yes. But part of me wonders. Not that I don’t love Boo nor do I wish she was anything but herself. Okay, I could live without the exploding diapers. But having a child with special needs is tough. Julie has two sons and hit (as she says) the Autism Jackpot. She loves both her boys but it is difficult sometimes. Sylvia has a nine beautiful children (yes I am in awe), one of whom has faced brain cancer, seizures and a host of other issues. She doesn’t love Bethany any less than her other children. Yet even Sylvia wonders sometimes what God was thinking.

I believe, in my soul, that all children are born perfect. With any child you do not know if that perfection will be flawless. Let’s face it the terrible two’s disabuses you of that notion as soon as the new baby smell wears off. You might hope that your child will be a Rhodes scholar, but you don’t know at day one where your child’s path might take them.

Another I know, when asked if she had other children replied, no they could only handle their daughter. Her care is sapping them of their energy, their finances and their sleep. But she is also giving them love, her smile and her utter beauty of being a child who is adored by her parents. They in no way ‘regret’ their child, but they understand the limits of their own being.

On the flip side, J’s (Boo’s Yogi) first child was born with Down Syndrome. Her and her husband went on and had four more beautiful girls. Loving them all equally. Even if sometimes they are climbing on the counters, sometimes making their oldest be the easiest to raise.

Sylvia, as she is wont to do, puts it perfectly: Living with their new normal. Whether that new normal is having a child who is seemingly perfect or a child who needs a little extra.

Deciding to have another child is a personal choice. Boo was our surprise. We never imagined having a second child. Okay, David did. I was one and done. Couples decide the amount of children they have based on economics, time, age. Why should they be vilified for by putting a child’s special needs into the decision process?

Parents of children with special needs do not wear rose colored glasses. They understand that their child may not go to school, go to college or move out of the family home. That their care will mean limited vacations, longer work hours, less rest and a shorter retirement.

Parents of “typical” children don’t know what they are getting into either, that all of their hopes and expectations really depend on their child. You can offer a child the world and they may decide not to leave the room.

Almost parents who never get to experience the ups and downs of having children, those with and without special needs, probably feel that they would take any child just to feel a moment of that love.

I guess my point in this long ramble (I feel like I am channeling Rich!) is that having another child is a personal, sometimes heart-wrenching, decision. No one has the right answer.

When I am asked if I would have another child after Boo, my answer is no. But that is not because Boo has sometimes extraordinary needs. It is because I know we cannot handle more than what we have. Two children, a dog, a home and two working parents combined with our age? It wouldn’t be the right decision for our family.

But my decision shouldn’t impact yours.

You just have to decide what you can handle and leave the opinions at the curb.

You don’t know me. You know pieces of my life through this blog. You learn about Boo, laugh with me at Allie-isms. You get a glimpse of life with a child who is special in more ways than one.

But if we passed on the street we might not recognize one another.

One of the hidden treasures of this blog is that I have “met people” from around the world. From Australia to Germany. From Arizona to Alaska. Right here in Massachusetts and close by in Virginia.

Some with children, some who hope every month to become a parent. Others who have that typical child who is frustrates, loves and makes you wonder at what they are dreaming about. The others, like me, who have a different journey. Moms that worry every day if their child will have a seizure. A mom who just had the rug taken out from under her again.

The mom who has a son with CP who surfed for the first time this year. Those of us who have one typical child  and one not so typical. (gosh, I am beginning to hate the word typical)

And I consider you all friends. Those with children, those without and everyone in between. Through our triumphs and struggles we share the joy of a first word and the tears of a rough night.

The best part of my day is when I get a private e-mail from one of you. Just to let me know you are there.

We read one another’s stories and feel a connection. At least I do. A connection that makes me think, if I could have a dinner party with you we would have the best night.

I know just who will bring the wine (or for some of you the spring water), who will bring the dessert and who will make us laugh until we pee.

So cheers, my blogging friends. I thank you for being a part of our journey and thank you for sharing your own.

I think this is probably my favorite “hop” of the week. When Kristi, Joy and Lizzie remind me to look back at just this week and realize not only did we survive but it wasn’t as bad as it seemed.

Kind of like High School. No, wait, I just looked back and it still sucked. But it didn’t suck as bad as I thought!

So this week I am very thankful for

10. Air conditioning. I think my hair is more thankful than I am. But when the temperature goes from 60 to 80 with 95% humidity I am very thankful to be living in a first-world country.

9. That the first of two new nieces were born. The other one is still freeloading off her mother. I got to hold new niece H Thursday evening. Proving that I can still rock a gassy newborn and that I have no desire at all to have another one of my own.

8. Dana has finally realized that I was serious and Allie will be spending her teenage years with her.

7. My parents came up this week to celebrate the birth of H. I also think mom did it so she could spend her birthday up here with her grandkids. But H was a great excuse!

6. Boo is back in school! Enough said

5. Kate who gave me a great idea about a blog post. No I am not spoiling the surprise, just come back on Monday. Oh and she also made me rethink my Facebook activity. So she should be thanked twice!

4. Bailey who provides Boo with a soft place to land.

3. That we had a couple of days at a friend’s beach house. Sure it was torture for Boo. But there is nothing more relaxing than sitting on the porch and just watching the sun set over the water.

2. That Allie has had a fantastic week with her grandparents and pseudo-grandmother. All who have spoiled her rotten entertained her this week while everyone else was at school or work.

And the final thing this week that I am thankful for…..(insert drumroll please)

1. There are only 54 days left until Allie is back in school!

I am always amazed at Bailey’s utter devotion to Boo.

I like smiling. There are some things though, that just make my day. The top 10 things that make me smile:

1. Boo’s belly laugh.

2. Allie’s sarcasm. Especially when she says she is being sarcasm.

3. Big bang theory

4. Finishing the run

5. Driving in the Jeep, listening to Jimmy Buffett

6. Kristi’s pictures, especially when she writes about the perils of Botox

7. That even when it is 900 degrees outside Bailey is a willing pillow.

8. That Boo started her summer program today. Yes, her teachers and aides deserved a vacation. However I did quite the happy dance as I walked out of the school today!

9. Allie had a sleepover with her favorite pseudo-grandmother this weekend. She had a great time being a spoiled only child for 24 hours.

10. Knowing tonight will be a quiet night at home, with the girls back on their schedule after a long, very long weekend!

What about you, what makes you smile? Join me over at the Listicles. It was supposed to be the top 10 words that make me smile, but I like to bend the rules now and again. On the upside, I did the correct topic.

Okay, honestly I did start next week’s topic before I realized my error!

Happy Monday everyone.

Summer vacation isn’t even here yet and already I am hearing I’m bored. Allie Some people in this house might not survive until September. I offered some suggestions, but they were turned down.

And it confuses me. I thought I had some really great ideas. They included:

Painting the house.
Cleaning some one’s room.
Giving the dog a bath.
Reading a book.
Playing in their room with a few million toys.
Playing outside
Playing in the basement
Riding a bike or scooter
Cleaning the bathroom
Sweeping the floors
Changing your sister’s diaper

None of the above worked, so I took out the heavy guns:

If there is nothing in this house to amuse you, I will clean out your room with a trash bag so you are not bothered by all that “stuff”.

It bought me 30 minutes of quiet. And a quick happy dance that there is still 2 days of school left.

With the hurry, the worry and the well crap of the week it is nice to join Kristi and Joy in remembering that good things happen every week. Not that this was a bad week. Just a busy one where I got too caught up in juggling.



Here is this week’s top-10 things Kerri is thankful for this week:

10. Kate for letting me know there were still Buffett tickets available. Although I had to pass, it was so awesome to hear from her.

9. The nephew and almost-niece that came down this weekend to visit.

8. Summer is officially here with our first fire of the season.

7. That Boo was in bed and her sneakers didn’t end up in the fire pit.

6. I completed that 5k.  I did not come in last nor did I eat any bugs.

5. The friends that let us intrude on their family gatherings. (Oh we are so intruding on your upcoming vacation too)

4. That there are still 2 and a half days of school left before I have to figure out how to entertain the girls.

3. Tuukka Rask, without him the loss would have been much more embarrassing. I will be more thankful next week if we manage to win the Cup.

2. That Boo is having a language explosion. She is becoming much easier to understand, gaining words and feeling so much less frustration.

1. That it has been 2 months since my last Diet Coke and I am no longer feeling the effects of withdrawal!

What about you? Name one thing you are thankful for this week!