Sometimes I get done. Just done. I’m not a hero. I am not a saint. I am just a mom. Sometimes just being mom seems to be too much to ask. I lose my temper. I lose my cool. I lose where I put my keys. 

I am never prepared for what will take the floor from beneath my legs. I think I have it handled and then BOOM. I am back in warrior mom mode.


Boo has had a fantastic year. She really has. She has come so far. She has made friends. Been to birthday parties. Learned her name, her age, address and (most) colors. She can count to four (more with Abby prompting). She has become (somewhat) toilet trained. She asks for her therapists, she wants to see her teachers. She stole Abby’s stuffed rabbit (hello, milestone!).

Recently Boo was referred to a neuro-urologist. Fancy title who knew that discipline existed? His mom must be so proud. He was great, all kidding aside. Older, beyond knowledgeable and respected. Here is what concerned me: Boo’s GI had contacted him throughout the years asking his opinion on Boo’s stomach issues. Boo’s GI did not refer me to this doctor. Her pediatrician did, after I saw GI and she said that Boo’s funny smelling urine (too much info, I understand) should be seen since that is not what she treats. Also Boo has been complaining about stomach pain but is on the maximum dose of reflux meds. Maybe there is something else going on.

For years? Since she began toileting? If this GI doctor, whom I respect and trust, has been consulting this other doctor why didn’t she refer us earlier! Why is it left to me, the mom without a medical degree, to find the best neuro-urologist in the State and get referred? Why do I have to then call the GI and tell them to write a note of referral? 

I take Boo to see this uber-urologist. He asks if she has ever had an MRI. I explain, yes that is how they found the tethered cord. She had spinal surgery in 2011. His reply, oh with her lack of bladder/bowel control and toe walking I am wondering if her cord is tethered. Since it has been surgically untethered there is a concern that it has reattached itself. WHAT!!! Sure it is rare that it might have reattached. But this is Bridgetitis we are talking about.

It gets better….as he reviews the 2011 MRI he states to the medical student do you see she only has one kidney? Now, I am not a mom with a medical degree but I do know that most children come with two kidneys. This is not something a doctor should announce to the unsuspecting parent. 

But wait…there it is! They found the missing kidney. But they are unsure if Boo’s spinal cord has reattached itself to her bladder. In June she will have to go for more testing. Invasive testing. While not painful it will require me holding her down for yet another test.

I sometimes wonder when does it stop? To the uninitiated it seems okay, it is just one more test. To those who have never had to hold their child down during a medical procedure I say whatever God you believe in to Bless you and yours. I hope you never have to experience these feelings. But me? I’m kind of losing faith. I am heartsick and tired of getting to the comfortable part of being Boo’s parent to being the parent who has to bear witness to her pain.

I do not understand how God could let my friend’s child have cancer. I do not understand how Boo who is the most precious of children has to suffer such pain. I do not understand why a parent who has never willingly harmed her child has to hold their child down while others do. Lab draws, catheters, ultrasounds, surgeries, therapies and the list goes on.

When, dear Lord, does it stop?

I am not a hero. I am not looking for some one to say, there there it will be okay. Because it won’t. Being Boo’s parent doesn’t make me a hero or a warrior. Any parent would do and feel the same.

It’s just sometimes I wish I was Abby’s mom. Cause that is a hell of a lot easier.

It is that time of the week to look back and give thanks. I haven’t done so in quite some time. Not that I haven’t been thankful but just that I have been to overwhelmed to sit back and say,

Thanks for not kicking my ass this week.


It was debatable. That’s for sure. There were times when I said (out loud) I’m done. Just stick a fork in me and call me burnt. Burnt worse than an Irish woman in Aruba without a base tan (been there, have the t-shirt).

But per Lizzi this is not the post for bitching but for being grateful. So here I go….

1. I am thankful I have a job. Because you know I have to pay the mortgage.
2. I am thankful for popcorn. Because as corn is a veggie and butter a dairy that means dinner last night had two of the recommended food groups.
3. I am thankful for Kristi who takes my calls and answers my HOLY CRAP I AM LOSING IT texts. 
4.I am thankful for the doctor who says, oh there is the kidney after telling me (mistakenly) that Boo was missing one.
5. I am thankful for Abby’s school for embracing the idea of Special Needs Awareness Month (more on that later).
6. I am thankful for Kate and her ability to put into words how much she loves her dad.
7. I am thankful for Boo’s therapists who laughed their asses off with me during paint night where we forgot about finding our strength and instead found our hotness.
8. I am thankful for Tia. The one who loves and accepts me and gives me her honest opinion at all times.
9. I am thankful for Dana who told me about the Outlander series. I am hooked and have been enthralled each night as I make my way through the series (currently on book 3).

And finally 10….I am thankful for my girls. The ones who are currently sleeping and dreaming the dreams of the innocent.

Sunday cannot come quick enough. I know you are thinking Friday. Friday night is the time we wait to arrive. Some time ago, when we were once again late for school Abby had this idea about the weekend. That they just were not long enough. After spending most of my weekend cleaning, shopping, cooking and doing laundry I have a different opinion.

When I leave for work on Monday morning this is the view in my kitchen:

How the hell is that possible? That in just three days my kitchen goes from Martha Stewart to kitchen of the depraved. I walked into the house tonight, shuddered and thought what kid of people live in this squalor? At least I have proof that the fruit was consumed.

So I cannot wait until Sunday morning. When I can walk into my kitchen and not shudder. 

I am having a fail of epic proportions. Okay….that’s an exaggeration. But it’s bad enough I have completely thrown whatever New Year resolution I had thought of out the window. Holy crap, I threw the reservation out the window faster than Boo throws a shoe.


But Lent? Who cannot give up something for 40 freaking days? Who….me that’s who.

Every year I have given up something for 40 days, the Lenten fast. I have given up chocolate, Diet Coke, swearing, sweets and alcohol (and no I wasn’t even pregnant!). This year, not one freaking thing. 

Why? I have plenty of excuses:

I was going to give up Facebook. But then I “remembered” I’m the PTA person on Facebook. This blog is on Facebook. Most of my life is on Facebook.

I was going to give up Twitter. But then I realized I am barely on there anyway and am just learning the Tweet-ropes.

I was going to give up wine. Then I thought, who am I kidding? And what God puts St. Paddy’s day smack in the middle of Lent.

I was going to give up M&M’s. But really, how bad are M&M’s?

I was going to give up TV. Hello, Bruin season.

I was going to give up popcorn. But it’s what’s for dinner 4 out of 7 nights. (me, not the kids)

I was going to give up reality TV. Then the Real Housewives of NYC were finally back on.

I was going to give up spending non-essential money. But then a friend said let’s go to dinner.

In the end I realize what I should give up is rationalizing, excusing, the I’m sorry but my house is just a mess….

So that’s what I am doing. Yes, it is one week into Lent. But I am giving up. I am saying this is me:

Kerri. The girl who likes the Bruins, M&M’s, Facebook, Reality TV and wine. Especially on St. Paddy’s day. Who can expect you to abstain on the national drinking holiday.

This post is part of Lisa-Jo Baker’s Five Minute Fridays. Where you take 5 minutes and just write. No editing, no second guessing, no censoring. Ready, set, go…

I sometimes feel so small as a mom. It doesn’t help that I am petite. But I feel small when I do not have the answers. When I wonder am I handling this discipline issue the right way. When I look at how my children love me and feel so small and unworthy of their praise.

I feel small when I think about all of Boo’s varying issues and science doesn’t have the answers. I feel small when it seems the next step is to high for me to reach.

I feel overwhelmed and so small and so inadequate as a parent on days when I cannot figure out the math homework. When I do not keep the house as neat as I should. When I am at work and the girls are on school vacation. When I make cheese, crackers and fruit dinner because I just cannot face cooking one more meal.

But then I look at my girls sleeping and my heart instead of being to small grows 10 times too big as it explodes with love for these two little girls who have changed my life in ways I never imagined.

I grow larger than my height when I realize how these two little girls have changed me. How I am more vocal, more confident, more than I ever dreamed motherhood would be.

I no longer feel small.

STOP

 

My bloggy-friend Jen has had a pretty bad month or two. So Jen this tape is for you.

I hate when you know some one is down and looking for answers. But I applaud them for looking and to not give up knowing the answer will be there as long as you take a moment to listen.

I’m sorry but you cannot listen to Bon Jovi and not feel a twinge. Yes, he is just here for eye candy.

I’m including this next song because I believe while it may be down pouring like hell on your house right now you know at some day there will be no more cloudy days.

Sir Elton says it best, my friend, how wonderful life is while you are in the world. 

Last but not least a little Jimmy. Cause you cannot be down when Jimmy is around.

Jen I hope February treats you better than December and January!!!  

It is no wonder why girls are confused. Sorry, this is a post for girls because not having sons I believe boys are just gross. They always remain dirty, covered in something not recognizable and they always like sports. Kidding! Let’s face it though, boys and girls are different. How their role in society changes and evolves is important. From a woman’s point of view (because I’m a woman) our dreams and goals change more often than our male counterparts.

And I blame Disney.

Okay, not really. Here is what I realized the other morning. As the mother of young girls I tell them they can be anything they can dream. But they see the house dynamics. David does the “simple machine” and I do the laundry. I am sure other households are similar. What they don’t see at this young age is teamwork that has been established by playing to our individual strengths (FYI the circular saw is not one of mine).

The other morning Boo was watching her newest obsession favorite program on her IPAD, Sofia the First. I love this show. First it has Tim Gunn so what’s not to love? But more the underlying theme is staying true to yourself. To make your friends get along and make allowances for one another. That you can be whatever you want to be, you just have to work hard to attain your goal. In this particular episode Sofia wanted to be on the princes’ horse team. She was being told that princes did X and princesses did Y.

Sofia would have none of it, sang a cute song and trained to be on the team. She can do anything, no matter who wants to count her out.

In the exact same room, watching Disney but instead of watching Disney Jr, the tween channel, Abby was watching Austin & Allie. This show has been about teams as well, that the boy and the girl work together to have careers in music. For the lucky uninitiated the boy is the performer and the girl writes the songs that make him the star.

Behind every successful man is the woman, right? But they are equal partners working with their strength to become a success. Except in THIS episode Abby happened to be watching, the female lead was forgoing her own career to follow the boy on the tour.

First of all, where the heck are the parents that would let all these teens just get on a bus unsupervised for a tour? But more importantly, why is the song writer giving up her chance at of her own career to follow the boy?

It probably wouldn’t have hit me if not for Stephanie’s post about song lyrics. That without even realizing it we are sending our daughters a message that they are less-than. They need more (man, job, child, insert your goal for your child here).

That the two Disney shows were on simultaneously in my house and were giving two completely different messages was kind of kismet. That we were telling our preschooler she can do anything that a boy can do. Yet we are telling our tween that she needs to put the boy’s needs before her own or worse that his dream was more important.

After all, Austin wasn’t canceling his tour to stay and write songs with Allie. He (and their friends) encouraged her to come along on tour and forget that she had dreams too. The upside was that (thanks to Stephanie’s post) I was prompted to have a discussion with Abby. The downside was that after all this time we still have to have the discussion that men are your partners and not your king.

At least we are having the discussion….

One time I saw this biggest jerk. She was a teenager. She thought she knew every freaking thing. She made her mom miserable, caused her needless worry. She wouldn’t understand until she was much older that her parents weren’t too terrible after all. It took quite some time for me to see the biggest jerk. It took having kids of her own to realize that the biggest jerk in the 1980’s was me.

So mom, I apologize for being the biggest jerk. 

I hope the granddaughters are enough revenge, I mean repayment. This is how I finished the sentence, I once saw the biggest…..

About a year ago I asked you what is something your child is REALLY good at? I mean something they can do that is just spectacular. They don’t have to be a broadway star, but something they excel at. Like climbing the neighbor’s tree faster than you can hit the snooze button on a Sunday morning.


Boo, for example, has had a great year full of accomplishments. Things that you will never find in a parenting manual, an IEP, growth chart or maybe put on your families Christmas letter. Here is a list of things that Boo has not only accomplished in 2013 but become really good at:

Boo learned to turn off and on lights. Of course she seems to have mastered the skill of turning the light on that you do not need and plunging you into darkness when you are taking a shower and shaving your legs.

Boo continued her mastery of taking off her shoes and throwing them out of vehicles. She managed to throw her shoe from the back seat, over the headrest and out the front window. 

Boo jumped. Over a line. Thankfully she hasn’t managed to jump off the top of the counters yet. Although she did jump into a pool while on vacation. Thankfully M was there to catch her. 

Boo hosts dance parties in the kitchen. The other night while doing dishes she told me “dance” and gave me my IPHONE.  Abby videoed it with her IPOD and is currently blackmailing me to get out of cleaning her room.


Boo found her voice. We can now understand more of what she is trying to tell us at the top of her lungs. I blame her SPT for her outdoor voice. SPT has informed me that she has met Abby and in now way is she taking full blame for Boo’s volume. Or the fact she said “fuck” clear as day in therapy. I’m not taking the blame for that either. Although the grandparents had been visiting….

Tell me, what is one thing. Just one thing that your child does that makes your heart swell with pride? 

When Abby went through her princess faze it made sense. She loved princesses and we indulged her. Grandparents bought Princess sheets, coats, dolls, play sets. We went to Disney and got their autographs. Today, at 10, Abby will still watch a Disney movie with awe.



Boo wasn’t as exposed. Boo for the most part watches her IPAD and hangs out. She doesn’t seem to attracted to anything other than music. Give her a toy and it will gather dust until I donate it to another child. 

Then Princess Sofia happened. Quite unintentionally (because nothing else was on I am sure) Abby watched the program.

Boo fell in love. 

I wasn’t too sure how much until we went to a birthday party and gave her friend a Princess Sofia. Boo tried to steal it back (hello, typical child!). For her birthday we gave her a Princess Sofia doll. Typical Boo, she wanted it kept in the box. Abby wouldn’t put up with that–dolls are to be played with! Boo carried the doll around for a minute and then it ended up under the table. She went back to her IPAD. 

Until bedtime, when FIA had to come to bed with her. (hello, typical child!) Over the past month or so Fia has been brought in and out of bed, never played with. For Christmas we had no idea what to get Boo and she needed a backpack so viola! When she returned to school she excitedly showed her backpack to everyone. Fia backpack she yelled. 

Yesterday Boo discovered that she could watch Sofia the First on her IPAD. Which let me tell you is a nice break from the Austin & Allie Christmas special and I no longer hear her yell HOOKER. 

She sees the Disney sign and yells PRINCESS (new word!).  I thought with Boo I would skip the if it was pink, plastic and princess it would be in my house. 

Good thing I never got rid of all Abby’s things I had moved down into the basement!